


Pater Peccatum

by KalasFiction



Category: Final Fantasy XV, Tales of Xillia
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Phobias, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2019-06-27 12:23:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15685368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KalasFiction/pseuds/KalasFiction
Summary: FFXV story into which some ToX characters have wandered.Two men, ten very different years in the darkness.Ranging back and forth over the span of a ten year period for both Ignis and Ravus, both men having to deal with various demons alone and together.Upon losing his lover, Ignis stands to lose everything. Ravus only has Ignis to lose.Ravus can only hope to hold Ingis together, and keep him alive - a difficult task for a monster.





	1. Parting on a Quarrel

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading (or at least I hope you'll get past this note and read), this chapter is the one I'm least happy with and therefore the one that I am using to test the water. Please let me know what you think. 
> 
> Ravus is a qualified medical doctor because, as my husband says, you always need a healer in your party.

** Chapter One  
**

Ignis & Ravus' Apartment - early morning

* * *

 

"Are you not talking to me, Love?"

Ignis stills his hands in the washing up water but does not turn around, nor respond. He hears the pained sigh from behind him and feels another tear slide down his cheek.

"I guess not."

Another sigh and Ignis' whole body stiffens as the other man’s foot steps draw closer, he can feel his lovers hands hovering over his shoulders and screws his eyes up tight. The hands do not make contact however, the harsh sound of the phone interrupts. As usual. The other man takes a step back, away from Ignis to answer it.

"Hello? Yes. Well shit. Alright, yes. Yes I'll be right there."

"Ignis. Please turn around. Please talk to me Love. I don't want to part on a quarrel..."

Ignis cannot disobey, he takes his hands from the water and dries them slowly, keeping his body turned away from the other man. When he finally turns his heart breaks again at his lovers expression as he knew it would.

"What can I say?" he mumbles, voice tired and thin, "nothing I say makes a difference anyway."

A hand is brought up to run through the raven hair, greying at the temples but so soft and beautiful, in a customary sign of frustration from the older man.

"Of course it does Love, everything you say to me has value, on this matter however ---"

"Don't!" Ignis cuts him off, furious all over again, "Don't you _dare_ talk to me like I'm one of your staff! I am not a tough deal on which to negotiate!" Ignis slumps against the sink as the other man opens his mouth to retort but stops as his phone rings again. He doesn't take his eyes from Ignis' as he answers it with a snarl.

"What? Clarus, I've told you I am on my way. I will be there shortly." He hangs up and pinches the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Ignis." He starts but Ignis makes a disparaging noise of disbelief. "No, I truly am. Please, please can we discuss this later? I have to go. It's urgent."

"It always is isn't it?" Ignis' voice is devoid of emotion, "Just go."

"I love you Ignis, my heart beats for you."

"I'll see you later."

The other man looks down sadly, he nods and leaves the apartment quietly, pulling a hood over his head as he goes.

* * *

 

As the door snaps closed something snaps in Ignis as well, he snatches a clean glass from the draining board and throws it against the opposite wall with a defeated scream. It smashes and he doesn't feel better; now he just has to clean up broken glass. His hands shake as he finds the dustpan and brush and starts to sweep up the shattered pieces, he feels more hot, angry tears sliding down his cheeks as he sweeps. He picks up a larger chunk of glass and grips it tightly in his palm, squeezing until blood flows. He doesn't feel better, not yet, he squeezes tighter and grunts as the glass embeds itself deeper into his hand. The tears stop and he lets out a long breath. His hand springs open and he drops the bloody glass into the pan with the rest, dumping it in the recycling.

The front door opens again and he hurriedly grabs a dish towel, holding it in his injured hand to cover the blood. His heart leaps as he dares to hope that, for once, his lover has put him before work. It falls again as his housemate Ravus walks in.

"Hello Ignis," he greets with a nod. Hanging up his white trench coat and placing his keys on the table beside the door, he regards his friend from the corner of his eye. He analyses the slumped shoulders, the red rimmed eyes and the slightly bloody dish cloth screwed up tight in Ignis' hand. He feels a swell of anger towards Ignis' “boyfriend” and wishes for the millionth time that they would just break up already. It's not that he dislikes the man, he is friendly enough to Ravus. The three of them have been known to enjoy Ignis' cooking together of a night time, watching a movie or discussing various subjects. Ravus enjoys debating different topics with the older man and can understand Ignis' attraction. He is glad that their bedrooms are at opposite ends of the apartment though, there are some things he really doesn't need to hear. He goes into his bedroom, closest to the kitchen, and takes out a first aid kit.

He approaches Ignis slowly, taking in the pristine kitchen; clean dishes on the rack, sides wiped down... Ignis has been rage cleaning. He wordlessly takes Ignis' clenched fist in his hands and prises it open, removing the blood soaked towel and throwing it straight into the trash. Ignis keeps his head bowed and flinches as Ravus pulls his hand flat to examine the jagged cut across his palm, its deep and the blood is still flowing freely. He turns on the cold tap and puts Ignis' hand under the water, the other man hisses as the water washes away the blood and encourages more to flow, cleaning it thoroughly.

"This is going to need stitching Ignis. What did you use?"

Use, what did he _use_ , not what did he _do_. Ignis does not have a housemate for nought, he doesn't need one to afford the spacious apartment they share, neither does Ravus. They are both financially comfortable in their own right. They had met as students, sharing a house at university, quickly become friends and Ignis' problems quickly revealed themselves. Ravus still tries not to remember walking in to their home to an unconscious Ignis, open pill bottle and empty whisky bottle by his side. Ravus acted swiftly, and Ignis was grateful eventually. They'd talked it out, there had been tears and revelations from both sides (though Ravus would never admit it), and they had bonded.

"I broke a glass. One of the heavy whisky tumblers that Gladio got us."

Ugh. Gladiolus. Ravus' least favourite of Ignis' friends. Loud and brash, never wearing a shirt, huge mountain of a man. The tumblers were hideous, Ravus is not at all upset that one of them has bitten the dust.

"One down, one to go I suppose," he replies, he presses some gauze onto Ignis' hand and applies pressure. Ignis grunts in discomfort. "Hold that on there, tight." Ravus tells him and the other man nods. Ravus slides gloves on and preps the dinning table for surgery, it's so clean in here that it's probably a better environment than the one he usually works in at the hospital. He beckons Ignis over to sit, he sits opposite and gets to work on repairing the damage.

"So what did you fight about?" He starts, voice low and even.

Ignis takes a deep breath, "The usual. Everything."

"Keep talking Ignis."

"I... I just want him to put me first once Ravus, just once." Ignis is speaking quietly but Ravus can tell that he's not stable. He knows that there is a storm brewing behind the green eyes, he just hopes that he can finish suturing before it breaks.

"You know he can't Ignis. The man is a father, he is a CEO..." Ravus notes that Ignis' other hand has balled into a fist, nails digging into his palm; he quickens his effort to get his work finished. To his relief and surprise Ignis remains silent and still until the wound is stitched and dressed. Ravus puts Ignis' hand down on the table gently and cleans up, passing the smaller man his gloves which fit snugly over the dressing. He flips on the kettle and stands watching it, while he is waiting for the storm he may as well make tea.

"I want him to want to tell people about us, to be proud of me. Of what we have." Ravus rolls his eyes at the kettle, knowing full well that by people, Ignis means _person_. Ignis means his lovers son. Why on earth he'd want to add that pressure onto an already, in Ravus' humble opinion, rocky relationship is beyond him.

"I know what you're thinking Ravus. Yes _Noct_. I want Noct to know about us!" Ignis' voice raises and Ravus can hear the edge to it, for a man so reserved around everyone else, so upright, so proper, so controlled and so _quiet_ Ignis can certainly be explosive. It is fortunate that between the three of them and his psychiatric team that they have managed to get his medications balanced and correct...

Now there's a point.

"Ignis." He turns to face the other man, two mugs of tea in hand, "when did you last take your medication?"

"No no no, don't start with that shit Ravus! Don't you fucking dare!" Ignis stands up so fast that the table moves, Ravus blinks at the shorter man calmly, setting down the tea. He takes a seat, looking up at Ignis until he sits back down. He pushes the one of the mugs over to him.

"I think you should take them now." He says, pitching his voice low and meeting Ignis' glare unflinchingly. The fight goes out of the other man as quickly as it came and his shoulders slump, defeated. "You'd take pain killers for a broken leg," Ravus reminds him quietly, "this is no different."

Ignis takes a deep breath and raises his head, "You're right." He says, swiping a hand over his eyes, his voice is clear and normal. He's back in control, well spoken and polite. "Of course you're right Ravus."

He gets up and walks across the apartment to his bedroom, when he returns he is carrying a box of tablets. He shows them to his housemate before carefully opening the box and taking the tablets inside with a swig of tea. Ravus removes the doses from the days Ignis hasn't taken them and stores them inside his first aid kit to dispose of later, responding to Ignis' small smile with one of his own.

"Now, do you want to talk about it? Or would you rather do something else?"

"You've heard it all before Ravus," he sighs, "I just don't know what to do about it, any of it. Regis loves me, I know that... And I love him. It's just so difficult. Should it be so difficult to be in love?"

Ravus doesn't know personally, he can only offer insight on other couples he's observed. He considers for a moment before saying, "I've heard it both ways... Some people say that true love is effortless, others say that every relationship takes work. Why are you so obsessed with Noctis knowing? I'm not sure that he would cope with the information well at all..."

"I... I just hate lying to him Ravus. He's one of my best friends... I didn't mean to fall for his father... I thought it was just a crush and he would never like me back… Even after it started I didn’t expect for it to last… I just can’t give up either one of them... I... I..."

Ravus lays a hand over Ignis' as his friend starts to spiral. "I know Ignis, I know all of this. It's alright, please don’t upset yourself.” The other man nods, turning his hand and gripping Ravus’ tightly. He takes a few deep breaths, wordlessly counting to ten slowly; Ravus watches his mouth move as he goes through the numbers. First in English, then again in Latin.

“Come on Ignis, lets go for a walk. Clear your head? Punt some irritating children into the lake...” Ignis sniggers at him and nods. He squeezes Ravus’ hand and stands up, running his hands over his immaculate shirt and pants to smooth out any wrinkles. He fishes his phone from his pocket and puts in on the kitchen counter to charge, toeing on his shoes as he goes.

“Okay, lets go. But minimal child punting.”

Ravus barks out a laugh and nods, he walks towards the door and holds it open for Ignis.

Outside the apartment the air is crisp and clear but the weather warm, there is standing water on the road from rain the night before but Ignis does have to concede that it is a nice day, too nice to be sat inside fretting. He takes a deep breath of the autumnal air and smiles at Ravus, they walk side by side in a comfortable silence towards the park at the end of their street.

Ignis can hear sirens from far off and is glad that Ravus got off shift when he did, he tries not to think of how those sirens could have been for him if his friend hadn’t come home in time. He shakes his head firmly to expel the invasive thoughts (not voices - he reminds himself) and Ravus puts a hand on his shoulder, ever the seemingly psychic doctor understands him like no one else. He allows the other to steer him into the park and smiles as Ravus makes small kicking motions towards the children playing with their remote control boats on the lake.

Back at the apartment, on the pristine kitchen counter, Ignis’ phone begins to ring.


	2. First Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ignis reminisces on a chance meeting that would save his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter two, I won't always update this fast but I'm happier with this one - it is a better example of how this story will be written, and of the general tone. 
> 
> Hope you like it, thank you for the response so far. Please review or drop me a message.
> 
> Thanks,  
> K

**Chapter Two**

Ignis & Ravus' apartment - late afternoon

_ Ravus & Ignis' student house - Four years earlier _

 

 

Ignis feels better for the walk, he really does. He’s formulated a plan of action regarding Regis, and also concluded that he could have been kinder to his lover. He’s bounced some ideas off Ravus, who by now is an expert sounding board, and the other man has offered to go out for dinner to give Ignis and Regis some space and time to themselves. As they enter the apartment Ignis thinks again on how lucky he is to have Ravus, and it was luck to get him as a housemate back in university.

 

* * *

 

 

_Ignis knocks on the door of the seemingly modest two bedroom student house, hoping against hope that one room-mate is easier to deal with than the four he’d had last year. They weren’t bad people, they were just party people; typical students – messy and chaotic. Ignis doesn’t do well with mess and chaos so at the end of the previous semester had applied to move into the slightly more expensive, smaller housing. The student counsellor had backed his application and so he found himself at this front door._

  _The door opens to reveal a tall, well dressed man with long platinum hair down past his shoulders and a friendly smile on his face as he addresses Ignis. “Ah, Mr Scientia I presume?”_

 “ _The very same,” Ignis smiles back and reaches out to shake the other man’s hand, “are you Doctor Nox Fleuret?”_

 “ _I am, but please, call me Ravus. Come in, come in.” The doctor frowns, looking around Ignis’ feet, “do you not have more bags?”_

  _Ignis blushes and casts his eyes down, pulling the shoulder strap of his solitary bag closer to his chest, “no, I… This is me.” He misses the other man’s searching look but hears the other reply jovially, “Nothing wrong with travelling light. Please come in and follow me, I’ll give you the tour.”_

  _Ignis lets out a breath and follows Ravus over the threshold, his first impression is that for a student house this looks incredibly grown up. The hall way is wide and tidy, a coat stand to the right of the front door next to a shoe rack._

 “ _Should I remove my shoes?” He asks quietly._

 “ _Only if you’d care to, this is your house too.” Ravus answers nonchalantly, “my old house mate was obsessed with his slippers so he kept that rack there. I do not care either way.”_

  _Ignis pulls his bag tight across his chest with gloved hands again and follows on, Ravus pauses and opens a door to the left._

 “ _Our living room,” he states, “I don’t watch much television but it functions quite well as an entertaining space.”_

  _Ignis peers into the room, taking in the large television and huge corner sofa, he thinks happily of his friends; Gladio barely fits into normal sized rooms so this is a happy surprise. And once Prompto and Noct start bickering over Kings Knight there is no stopping them, or their noise, from escalating. He’s relieved that he’ll still be able to have them over._

“ _Do you entertain often?” he asks quietly, Ravus runs his hand through his hair and huffs out a laugh._

 “ _I used to, in the first few years, but now I find I’m much too busy. I’m nearly a proper Doctor now, I suppose I’ve sacrificed my social life to get here...” He looks at Ignis with soft eyes and Ignis is startled to see that they are mismatched, something must show on his face as Ravus smiles._

 “ _You have h_ _eterochromia,_ _”_ _he says, “how beautiful…” He claps a hand over his mouth, “I’m sorry!”_

 “ _Sorry for calling my eyes beautiful?” Ravus, raises his eyebrows and leans towards the red faced, shorter man. “Just wait until you see my prosthesis...” He winks and continues towards the back of the house, Ignis following behind him._

 

 _They pass the bottom of the stairs and Ravus points out the main bathroom of the house, he then opens a door to one of the most marvellous kitchens that Ignis has ever seen._ _He can’t contain his glee and forgets his embarrassment as he strides confidently into the room, looking at the huge range cooker and all the modern appliances. “Oh, this is wonderful!” He says to Ravus who is still loitering by the door watching him._

 “ _I take it you enjoy cooking Mr. Scientia?”_

 “ _Ignis please, and yes_ _it is my passion.”_

 “ _I loathe it,” Ravus moans, “the freezer is full of meals that Jude’s boyfriend made for me when Jude moved out. He cooked for me out of pity.”_

 “ _I can cook for us.” Ignis offers immediately, “I’d love it.”_

 “ _I am off shift tonight,” Ravus nods, “if you’ll let me wash the dishes_ _we could have dinner together later?”_

 “ _I’d like that, we could get to know each other a bit.”_

 

_The tour continues up the stairs and Ignis feels more relaxed as he follows Ravus past the door immediately at the top of the stairs, his bedroom, and into the bedroom for him to call his own. It is painted light blue with a white wooden floor and Ignis immediately feels soothed by the colours, he smiles and allows his bag to slip off his shoulder onto the king size bed in the centre of the room. His shower room door is open and he can see a shower large enough for two, he can’t quite believe how lucky he is._

_Ravus watches him from the door way, unwilling to intrude, “you can paint it any colour you like, the landlord is… Understanding. I trust that_ _the accommodation staff explained the rent rates with you?”_

 “ _Yes, yes they did,” Ignis nods, “and therefore I am sure that I’m in the wrong house!”_

  _Ravus chuckles, “I_ _guarantee_ _you that you are not. I will not mislead you Ignis, I was given several people to consider by the staff, so I have read a little about you. I thought we’d get on from what I read---”_

 “ _What exactly did you read?” Ignis interrupts, green eyes widening and gloved hands reaching for his previously forgotten bag strap._

  _If Ravus is taken aback by this, he doesn’t show it. He_ _simply_ _holds up his hands in surrender, “nothing incriminating I assure you! Merely the personal statement that you provided to the accommodation staff and your past academic achievements. I apologise if I’ve upset you.”_

  _Ignis sighs, “No it is I who should apologise. I...” He takes a deep breath, “I’ve recently been diagnosed with depression and I’ve had some difficulties… I’ve not told anyone that before. I’m sorry.”_

 “ _Please don’t be, I understand. Would you like to see the study?”_

 

 _Ignis appreciates the redirection very much, he smiles at Ravus and gestures for him to lead on. The other man turns and heads up the next set of stairs to the very top of the house,_ _the whole floor is a massive library that seems cosy despite it’s size. There are two desks at either ends of the room, and two overstuffed couches facing each other in the centre and bookshelves crammed full of texts._

  _Ravus indicates one of the desks, “Jude cleared_ _that_ _desk out for you, there are two bookcases over there that we emptied… If you are in need of more storage space I am happy to clear more.”_

 “ _This is perfect, thank you so much Ravus.” He grants the other man an even larger grin than he flashed in the kitchen._

 “ _You are very welcome, feel free to read anything that interests you. I have fact on the left and fiction on the right.”_

 

_After a couple of hours unpacking (though with one small bag it hardly takes ten minutes) and perusing Ravus’ extensive library, Ignis heads back down to the kitchen. Ravus is sitting at the table, a pair of reading glasses perched elegantly on his nose, staring intently at a laptop._

 “ _Did I kick you out of your study?” Ignis asks, immediately feeling a stab of guilt._

 “ _What? Oh no. I wanted to give you time to settle. Ludger would never let me in here so I thought I’d finally use the table that I picked out.” He smiles and closes the laptop shut. “I thought if you’re cooking I could go out and get supplies? Perhaps some wine? Do you prefer red or white?”_

 “ _That is kind of you Ravus, but I don’t drink.”_

 “ _A student that doesn’t drink? You are a rare breed indeed Mr. Scientia.” Ravus smiles at him, “what ingredients do you need?”_

  _Ignis wanders through the room checking in cupboards and the fridge,_ _taking an inventory. “There is plenty here already for me to come up with a recipe. Is there anything you don’t eat?”_

  _Ravus doesn’t answer immediately, he’s busy admiring the way the other man moves around the kitchen, like he’s been there before. “Sorry,” he apologises when the other man turns to look at him expectantly, “no, as my sister will attest to; I eat everything.”_

  _Ignis hums his approval and starts unloading pots and pans from various cupboards,_ _looking for all the world like he belongs there. Ravus watches him work for a while before he starts to feel idle. He moves to stand behind the slightly smaller man, “Ignis?” He says, and the blond jumps as if he’s forgotten that Ravus is there, “what can I do to help?”_

 “ _You are still doing the washing up correct?”_

 “ _Yes, of course.”_

 “ _Then nothing, please don’t let me keep you from whatever you were doing.” Ignis measures out some spices and throws them into one of the pans, it smells amazing._

 “ _Very well, I’ll resume my work.” He sits back at the kitchen table and opens his laptop again, fully intending to do as he says; Ignis however proves to be quite distracting and in the end he gives up. Shutting the computer with a snap he stows it back in it’s bag and removes his reading glasses. He moves over to the counter and goes to un-stopper a bottle of red wine before he remembers his new housemates sobriety._

 “ _Do you mind if I drink Ignis?” He asks._

 “ _Of course not! Please do.” The man smiles at him but he sees something behind his green eyes that makes Ravus pause._

 “ _I do not drink to excess I promise you, I need a clear head for work. A couple of glasses of wine with dinner is my hard limit.”_

 “ _It’s really none of my business.” Ignis’ voice is hard, and the doctor in him needs to know more._

 “ _I really don’t have to… If this living arrangement is to go well I’d like to understand if you are able to tell me.”_

  _Ignis sighs and puts down the pan he had been holding, crossing his arms protectively over his chest,_ _Ravus notices that he is still wearing his gloves,_ _“my parents were killed in a drink driving accident when I was ten. The uncle that got custody_ _of me_ _was a raging alcoholic… I don’t talk to him any more… It’s a downer, I’m sorry.”_

  _Ravus groans, curiosity killed the cat. And the mood. “It is I that should apologise. I’m far too nosy for my own good.”_

 “ _It matters not, have your wine. Please.”_

  _Ravus walks to the sink and pours the wine away, the still sealed bottles he’ll give to Jude and Ludger when he next sees them. He smiles at Ignis’ incredulous face, “it matters.” He says simply._

 

_Ignis turns quickly back to the stove and clears his throat several times, blinking fast. Ravus leaves the room on the pretence of using the bathroom and when he comes back the green eyes are clear again and Ignis is setting two plates of food down on the table. Ravus walks around him to the drinks fridge at the back of the room, he casts his eyes over the beer there wondering who he can off load that on. “We have: water, coke, diet coke or ugh, fizzy water. What would you like? Oh and a couple of cans of Ebony if you like it?” He calls over his shoulder._

 “ _Ebony please!” Ignis calls back, setting the table and putting two glasses of tap water next to their plates as well._

  _Ravus brings Ebony and a diet coke for himself and settles himself down. “This looks amazing Ignis. Thank you.”_

  _Ignis hands him the black pepper and blushes a little, “Don’t thank me until you try it.”_

  _They eat in a companionable silence, the food really is delicious. Possibly better than Ludgers though Ravus is definately not brave enough to tell him._

 “ _You mentioned someone named Ludger earlier,” Ignis says, apparently psychic, “who wouldn’t let you in the kitchen?”_

  _Ravus smiles and swallows, “yes, Ludger is my previous house mate's boyfriend, he’s a chef in the city.”_

 “ _And your previous housemate is Jude? Is she a doctor too?” Ignis looks genuinely interested._

 “ _He, and yes he is a doctor too. They rarely got to see each other so I often got kicked out of here. I’m sure they will be round to visit if you’d care to meet them?”_

 “ _I’d like that.” Ignis agrees, “you mentioned earlier about the entertaining space, I wondered if I might invite some friends over soon?” He looks hesitant, like Ravus might say no._

 “ _Of course, I meant what I said earlier; this is your house too. Tell me about your friends?”_

  _Ignis smiles and his eyes light up, “they are a good lot, Gladiolus can come off quite brash and uncouth but he’s actually quite well read, he enjoys a good debate and teasing people. Prompto studies photography so you may end up having to sign some sort of general release! But he’s a good lad really and Noct is-”_

 “ _Noct? Noctis Lucis Caleam?” Ravus interrupts, there cannot be another Noct who is friends with a Gladiolus and a Prompto; Ravus wonders why he has not heard of Ignis before in the same context._

 “ _Y-yes. The very same. Do you know him?” Ignis looks frightened, and Ravus is surprised by how much he wants to comfort the other man._

 “ _I do. He and my sister Lunafreya were destined for marriage from an early age. His late mother was very good friends with mine, they married the two off before they were even born. I have spoken more to Regis, Noctis’ father, than Noctis himself. When we were younger I took the marriage stuff seriously and was determined to keep my sister free of the brat.” He raises an eyebrow at Ignis, “I bare him no ill will, I assure you.”_

  _Ignis lets out a breath, “I’m glad to hear it, though you should know; Noct can still be a brat. Regis joins us for poker very occasionally. We win more if he plays because Prompto gets shy and his skills diminish considerably.”_

  _Ravus nods, thinking about how small the world is. Ignis makes a small squeaking sound and he looks at the other man. “Something wrong?”_

  _Ignis shakes his head no, “I was going to ask a question but it would be impertinent.”_

  _Ravus smiles, “is it about my arm?” He says gently._

 “ _Would you believe me if I said no and tried frantically to back pedal?” Ignis replies, going a delightful shade of pink._

  _Ravus laughs, “not really no. I suffered horrendous burns from acid at school. Some kids were screwing around in the science labs and I got in the way. The damage was too extensive to save the arm, it had to be removed to stop the spread of infection. It is a great prosthesis though, it is_ _one of the first of its kind. A mind controlled biotic arm, I can use it as I would my real arm but it is stronger so I have to be aware of that. I always win arm wrestling though.” He winks at Ignis then sobers immediatly, “hence why I said I understand depression...”_

  _Ignis swallows hard and says hesitantly, “may I… May I tell you about it?”_

 “ _Ignis,” Ravus says, laying his hand on the other man’s arm, “I know we’ve only just met but please, know that you can tell me anything; in total confidence. All that I ask is that you treat me the same way.” He feels a strange connection with the other man, like they've been friends for years._

  _Ignis nods, he must feel similar; or maybe it is just easier to express himself to a stranger as he picks a spot on the wall behind Ravus’ head and stares at it as he speaks. “At the beginning of last year I started feeling a lot more stressed, I found that I couldn’t focus on anything. I felt like no one liked me, that I was on my own in all things and that I was a disappointment to all my friends. I remember I was cooking and I burnt my arm on the stove and it… It felt so good to feel something, anything. And… And it was like a release of all the negative, angry thoughts that had been shouting at me in my head. So after that I started cutting myself a few times a week, then a few times a day, then even more. I...” he pauses and takes a deep breath, still not looking a Ravus, “I felt good doing it. I knew it wasn’t right but when my friends would drag me out drinking I would fake it, drink water and sneak off to hurt myself.” He pauses and his eyes flick back towards Ravus', searching for judgement in them that he will never find._

 “ _You are doing so well Ignis,”_ _Ravus whispers, holding his gaze,"you can stop at anytime.”_

 “ _Th-thank you. I was in a lecture and I knocked my arm, blood started seeping through my shirt so the professor pulled up my sleeves after class. She saw it all. She took me to the counsellor’s office there and then, I’ve since been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety and severe depression.” Ignis drops his head into his hands so what he says next is muffled, “I’m so ashamed Ravus, now I have to take medication every single day, they make me feel sick and not myself. I feel so numb and I want to give the pills up and go back to hurting myself because at least then I know I’m still me! I see a therapist but I’m not honest with him… I feel so lost.”_

 “ _Oh Ignis,” Ravus stands and walks around the table to embrace his new housemate, he surprises himself with how much affection he feels and is indeed showing for the man._

“ _I understand that it’s hard but please know that I’m here, as a doctor, a housemate and a friend._ _And you’d take pain killers for a broken leg, taking medication for mental health is no different, please never forget that.”_

  _Ignis_ _raises his head and_ _smiles back at the other man._

 “ _Thank you.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“Igggggnis… Iggggnis.” He blinks as Ravus waves a hand in front of his face, peering into his eyes, “Are you in there?”

 “I’m so sorry Ravus. Just lost in thought I suppose.”

 “Quite all right. I’m going to go and shower, will you be okay?” Ravus tilts his head to one side, silvery hair falling over his eyes, obscuring the blue one completely.

 “I will. And you need a hair cut.”

 Ravus huffs and heads into the bathroom but Ignis knows him far to well to believe that he is really offended. He settles down on the sofa and turns on the television, he flicks through the channels until he reaches the news and sits back to watch.

 

 

 

 


	3. Forever parted on a Quarrel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worst news and the worst memory.
> 
> ***Warning - mentions of suicide attempt, character death and self harm. If these are triggers for you then please proceed with caution.***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 3. I'm getting Kudos but not comments - without me whinging, if you are able to comment please do! Even if it's negative, I've not posted anything in five years and I'm paranoid that this sucks...
> 
> Thaaaaanks,
> 
> K

**Chapter Three**

Ignis & Ravus' Apartment - early evening

_Ravus & Ignis' student house - Three years earlier_

 

Ravus huffs at his friend before turning on his heel and heading into the bathroom, he studies his reflection and grudgingly agrees with Ignis; he does need a hair cut. He shrugs out of his jacket and shirt, remembering just before he removes his pants that his phone is in his pocket. He pulls it out before he drops it on the floor for the hundredth time and notices several missed calls from various numbers. He frowns and begins to scroll through them, cursing himself for leaving the stupid thing on silent mode _again_. It rings in his hand and he almost drops it anyway, “Nox Fleuret,” he answers.

 “ _Ravus? Oh thank the Gods! It’s Prompto.”_ What does the blond bombshell want with him?

 “Hello Prompto. How can I help you? He isn’t short with the younger man, he actually quite likes him, he might be the favourite out of Ignis’ friends, not that Ravus would ever tell him. He holds the phone between his shoulder and cheek, and rubs the area of his chest where the prosthesis meets skin, it’s looking a little sore and may be due an adjustment.

“ _Ravus I’ve been trying to reach Ignis,”_ Ravus registers that there is an urgency to Prompto’s voice, a seriousness that is usually absent, he starts to feel uneasy and gives the phone his full attention.

“We were out, he didn’t take his phone. It’s probably still charging. What is it Prompto? What’s happened?”

“ _Oh Gods Ravus, it’s Nocts’ dad… He… He’s been in a car crash.”_ Prompto takes a great shuddering breath and the blood drains from Ravus’ face, he knows what Prompto is going to say before he does. _“He...”_ A sob, _“He died on impact.”_ Fuck. He is silent, thinking only of Ignis.

“ _Ravus? Ravus are you still there?”_

“I… I’m here Prompto. I…”

“ _Noct is in shock I think, we all are… I think he needs Ignis here with us.”_ Impossible. Ignis is going to be destroyed. None of his friends know about him and Regis of course but they do understand that Ignis strongly admires their friends father.

“Prompto. I think Ignis is going to have a very hard time dealing with this himself. You know how much highly he thinks of Regis. Can I have some time to break this to him? Can I call you later?”

“ _I hadn’t thought of that. I’m so stupid. I’m sorry Ravus.”_ The boy sounds like he is crying in earnest now and Ravus tries to reassure him.

“You are not stupid Prompto, far from it. Thank you for calling me, I’m sorry I missed the other calls.” He hears a clatter from the sitting room, “I have to go now, stay strong. I’ll call you later. Take care of Noctis.”

“ _I’ll try, bye Ravus.”_

 

Ravus rushes out from the bathroom, the television is on and a solemn news anchor repeats what she’s obviously just said under a blaring red banner reading breaking news;

_Once again, the Regis Lucis Caelum, CEO of Insomnia Corporation has been killed in a head to head collision on the fifty seventh avenue. We are waiting for further information to be released. We understand that Caelum’s son Noctis Lucis Caelum has been informed, and that police are currently investigating at the scene. We will bring you more news as we receive it. One thing is for certain though, this much loved public servant will be sorely missed. Our thoughts are with his family at this time._

Ravus picks up the remote from the floor where it has been dropped and turns off the television. Ignis, it seems, is rooted to the sofa. His green eyes are wide and unseeing as he stares straight ahead, through Ravus who crouches in front of him, laying his hands gently on the smaller man’s knees.

“Ignis?” He whispers, “Ignis, I am so so sorry.”

Ignis’ eyes flick to meet his and he clears his throat, “Ravus, will you take me to Noctis? He’ll need help in clearing this up.” His voice is strong and Ravus’ heart sinks.

“Clearing what up Ignis?” He says carefully.

“This,” the other man says irritably, gesturing at the television, “they’ve obviously got it wrong. Regis isn’t dead. We’re having dinner together later, I need to apologise for how I treated him this morning. He’s just in a meeting.”

“I… Sure… Let me just put on a shirt. I’ll be right back.”

“Please hurry.”

 

Ravus stands and goes into his bedroom, he pulls on a plain black tee and takes his phone out again. Mindful that Ignis can probably hear him he quickly sends two text messages:

‘ **Luna, I trust you’ve seen the news? I need your help. Ignis is in denial. Please come here? I need you to tell him that you’ll take care of Noctis.’**

‘ **Jude, I need you to cover my shifts. I’m not sure for how long, tell Balin I’m on compassionate leave.’**

He knows that both his sister and his friend will come through for him, now he just needs to try and get through to Ignis that it’s true. That Regis truly has died. He steels himself and opens his bedroom door, the couch is empty and his heart stops for a moment – Ignis has left without him – then he hears a low keening sound coming from the kitchen. He moves silently around the corner in time to see Ignis’ sink to the floor, phone in hand.

“Thank you for calling me Clarus,” he chokes out, “you didn’t have to do that.” Ignis holds the phone out to Ravus, who takes is quickly; aware that Clarus is still speaking on the other end.

“… _.he thought so much of you Ignis….”_

“Clarus. It’s Ravus, Ignis has just handed me the phone. I’m so sorry for your loss.” Clarus, Gladiolus’ father and Regis’ right hand man. Ravus understands that they have been friends for years.

The older man lets out a noise quite unlike anything Ravus has ever heard, _“Please take care of him Ravus._ _Reggie loved him completely._ _I’ll deal with everything else, don’t let him come to Noctis until he can control himself.”_

“Understood. Bye Clarus.” Ravus hangs up and sets the phone down on the counter. He kneels on the floor with the crumpled heap that is Ignis, he tentatively strokes the other man’s ashy hair and Ignis’ head falls against his chest.

“What… Ravus… I don’t understand...” he speaks to the floor, no tears falling yet and Ravus hurts to his bones to hear how lost his friend sounds.

“I’m sorry Ignis,” he says again, lost for words. They stay on the cold kitchen floor past the point where Ravus’ knees start to protest, until the door chime sounds. Ravus stands with a groan and goes to answer it.

 “Luna,” he sighs in relief, drawing his sister into his arms, “I’m so glad you’re here.” He feels her arms come around his shoulders and takes a shuddering breath, letting his control slip for just a moment.

“Of course Ravus.” She replies, “take me to him?”

He leads Luna through the apartment to the kitchen, Ignis is still sat on the floor unmoving. Unnaturally still.

“Hello Ignis,” Luna says softly, “may we move to the sofa? Ravus needs to make tea and we’ll be in the way.” Ignis does not move or blink, Luna motions to her brother and they step either side of the other man, helping him up between them. The blonde woman takes Ignis’ arm and pulls it over her shoulder, gently tugging him along with her into the living room to sit down on the couch. Ravus re-fills the kettle and flicks it on, he starts to prepare tea as instructed, before peering out the door to watch his sister deal with his room-mate.

 

* * *

 

Luna has sat beside Ignis, she has hold of his hand and is talking quietly to him. As far as Ravus can tell, she’s not getting much response until he sees a solitary tear run down the man’s cheek. The kettle boils, making him jump, and he quickly makes three steaming mugs of tea and carries them through to the others. He sets them down and settles himself on the large corner sofa as well, Ignis’ is in the corner with Luna pressed up against his side still holding his hand, her head is bowed but he can catch what she is saying.

“I promise you that I’ll take care of Noctis, as will Prompto and Gladiolus. You cannot go to them and grieve for your lover at the same time Ignis.”

“We could have all grieved together if only he would have let me tell them!” Ignis cries, snatching his hand from Luna’s and leaping to his feet, be begins to pace before them frantically.

“He’s left me to deal with this on my own! I can’t believe that selfish… That selfish… Fuck!” he shouts the curse and grabs a mug of tea throwing it hard against the opposite wall, it shatters and sprays tea everywhere.

Luna lets out a little cry of shock which seems to bring Ignis back to himself, his eyes widen and he covers his mouth with a gloved hand.

“Lunafreya I am so sorry.” She flinches before she can control herself as he reaches towards her, “no no no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Ignis dissolves completely into tears, and Ravus stands to pull him into his arms, Luna looks into his mismatched eyes over Ignis’ head sadly.

“It is okay Ignis,” she says quietly, getting up and moving past them to get a cloth from the kitchen, she wipes up as much tea as she can and picks up the bits of broken mug from the floor. She casts Ravus a meaningful look as she disposes of the pieces. He understands her meaning perfectly and he holds tight to Ignis, stroking his back as the other man continues to weep into his neck. Luna moves deftly around the apartment, picking up glass picture frames and robbing the kitchen of its knife collection, depositing them in her brothers bedroom and shutting his door quietly.

“Pills?” she mouths to Ravus, and he shakes his head minutely, the only medication they have is Ignis’ pre-filled box which Ravus makes for him on a weekly basis from a the boxes kept locked in Ravus’ drug cabinate. He looks pointedly at the wine rack by the kitchen door and Luna puts the three bottles there into her bag to take with her. She raises an eyebrow at him in a silent question, “anything else?” He shakes his head again and gives her a weak, watery smile.

She clears her throat softly, “I’ll go to Noctis now,” she says. “Please take care of each other? And stay in touch?”

“Of course Sister,” Ravus replies, extracting himself from Ignis and embracing Luna, “thank you” he whispers in her ear. She walks over to Ignis and hugs him tightly, he does not move to hug her back.

“I’ll see myself out.” She offers, picking up her bag and leaving the two of them alone.

“I’m sorry that I frightened her,” Ignis mutters, staring at the place where the tea hit the wall. “I don’t know what to do Ravus, I don’t know what to say. What am I meant to do?” He looks so desperate, so lost and so hurt. Ravus doesn’t have any answers for him, shrugging seems too callous so he sits again and motions for Ignis to sit beside him.

“I don’t know.” He says slowly, placing his hand on the other man’s back, “I always break bad news, I leave the comforting to the families...” Ignis doesn’t respond to him, he just closes his eyes. They sit like that for a long time, Ravus tries so hard to think of something, _anything,_ that he can do or say. Nothing. There is nothing. All he can do is keep Ignis alive.

 

* * *

 

 

 _Ravus knows that something is off the moment he walks through the front door, the house feels wrong somehow._ _Ignis’ shoes are not neatly on the shoe rack, they seem to have been kicked off haphazardly and are just lying on the floor half way up the hallway._

“ _Ignis?” He calls out, shutting the door behind him and toeing off his own shoes, he opens the door to the living room but finds it empty._

 _He continues through to the kitchen and puts his bag down on the table, “Ignis?” He calls again, sense of foreboding growing as again he is greeted with silence, his house-mate should definitely be responding to Ravus being in **his** kitchen. He checks the main bathroom as he heads up the stairs, he stops at his bedroom and puts his trench coat away quickly. He feels his heart rate speed up as he approaches Ignis’ bedroom, he knocks and opens the door, his friend isn’t there and the shower room is empty too. _ _Ravus turns and jogs up the stairs to the study, he pushes open the door and freezes for a split second before his training kicks in. Ignis is lying on one of the sofas, long limbs spread at odd angles, foamy spittle at his lips; an empty pill bottle is at his finger tips and Ravus trips on an empty whisky bottle as he rushes to his friends side._

“ _Ignis!” He cries, pulling the unconscious man onto the floor and frantically feeling for a pulse, he finds one, weak but present. He hurriedly wipes the spittle from Ignis’ mouth and delivers a rescue breath. He continues CPR until Ignis splutters and coughs and draws a breath all by himself, Ravus roughly pulls him into a sitting position and slaps his back to further clear his airway._

_Ignis groans and his head lolls, Ravus lifts him bridal style with surprising ease; his friend has lost a lot of weight in the last few weeks. He carries Ignis down the stairs through the other man’s bedroom and into the shower room, he clumsily turns on the shower and switches the dial to cold one handed, his prosthetic taking the majority of Ignis’ weight. He sits down in the shower tray, against the wall with Ignis in between his legs, the water quickly drenching them both; he tilts them both forward and unceremoniously shoves his fingers down Ignis’ throat._

_The smaller man vomits, and tries to squirm away from Ravus but the doctor holds fast and ruthlessly continues to forcefully pump Ignis’ stomach. The cold water washes away the vomit and brings Ignis round faster than is probably kind, the green eyed man starts to shake and rough sobs wrench their way past Ravus’ fingers. Only when the doctor is sure that the other man has nothing else to bring up does he remove his fingers and collapse back against the wall, pulling Ignis back with him to lie against his chest. The water flows over them both and in a very bizarre way, Ravus feels as though they’ve both been baptised; or rather experienced a sick parody of baptism._

 

* * *

 

 

Ravus awakens with a jolt, he didn’t realise he’d fallen asleep, Ignis stirs from where he’s obviously fallen asleep too; head against Ravus’ shoulder. The apartment is dark, and Ravus stiffens as Ignis lets out a small moan, “Regis...” he breathes against Ravus’ neck. The smaller man opens his eyes blearily and smiles up at Ravus, almost instantaneously he pales and darts away from the platinum haired man as the bliss of dreaming is broken. He tears off his glasses and pushes the heels of his hands forcefully into his eyes as if willing himself to escape to sleep again. He starts to shake violently and Ravus can hear him beginning to hyperventilate, his fingers contort into claws and he scratches at his eyes and face until Ravus grabs his wrists.

“Ignis!” He shouts, dragging the other man’s hands away from his face, “you’ll blind yourself!”

The green eyes are wild and the pupils blown as Ignis fights to escape Ravus’ grip, he doesn’t stand a chance to get away however as his body screams for oxygen. He struggles valiantly for a few minutes before his eyes roll back in his head and he faints.

Ravus quickly arranges the other man into the recovery position on the couch, he doesn’t know how much time he has before he comes round. The doctor goes into his bedroom and unlocks his drugs cabinate, his on call bag is at the bottom and he doesn’t have to look for what he needs; trained hands finding the little ampoule and snapping off the top. He deftly draws the liquid into a syringe before heading back to Ignis, he gently takes his housemates arm and finds a vein. Offering a wordless prayer to anyone, _anything,_ that might be listening that Ignis will forgive him for this, he slides the needle into the other man’s arm and sedates him.

 

 

 


	4. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Funeral attire and unpleasant memories.
> 
> ***Contains sexual contact between two teenage boys. Could be seen as non-con.***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeeere's chapter 4. A lot going on in this one and to me it feels a little disjointed but I wanted to give you something to mull over.
> 
> As ever, please let me know what you think?
> 
> Thanks,  
> K

**Chapter Four**

Regis' House - Early morning

Ignis & Ravus' Apartment - Mid morning

_ Ravus' Childhood Home - Aged 16 _

* * *

 

 

 Noctis wanders listlessly through his fathers house, apparently he has to find a suit to bury the old man in, he’s not sure what exactly the point of that is. Clarus had offered to do it for him but Gladio’s dad has already taken care of _everything_ else. He runs his fingers over every bit of furniture that he walks past, the place is immaculate as ever; not like Noctis and Prompto’s place despite the blondes best efforts.

 He ascends the stairs and heads straight for Regis’ bedroom, he guesses that Maria has been in as the bed looks like it hasn’t be slept in for a while and that can’t be true. The old man doesn’t sleep anywhere else.

 He opens the door to the dressing room and starts absentmindedly sorting through the hangers of black suits that all look the same to him but he assumes that there must be a difference that his untrained eye can’t see. As he shifts the wall of fabrics a slip of paper falls to the carpeted floor, Noctis frowns as he bends to pick it up – the writing seems familiar but he can’t place it; the note reads:

  _ **Regis,**_

  _ **You keep me alive with your love, my heart beats for you. Keep this note with you to remind you how important you are.**_

  _ **Yours always xx**_

Noctis blinks and re-reads the note several times, apparently his father kept more from him than he even realised. He wonders who the note is from, the paper is soft and old; it obvious that Regis has kept it with him for a long time. He tucks the note back into the inside pocket of the suit it fell from and brings the garment down from the hanger, whomever wrote the note has picked for him; Noctis spares her a passing thought as he packs up the suit into a bag, he hopes that she has someone taking care of her where ever she may be.

He wishes for the millionth time that they’d been closer - though he reasons that if they had he’d be in even more pain now - that their relationship could have run deeper, that his father could’ve told him more about his personal life. They’d been amicable, enjoying each others company when ever they had met for dinner or Regis had visited him and Prompto, even on the odd occasion when his father had joined him and his friends for a poker game.

The old man and Ignis in particular had got along, probably because Specs was so much more mature than himself, Prompto and Gladio. Thinking of Ignis brings him a pang of unhappiness, he’s not seen his friend since before the accident and he misses him dearly. According to Prompto, who heard it from Ravus, Ignis has taken his fathers death hard. He knows that the man prides himself on keeping his emotions in check, and that he has had problems in the past with depression and anxiety so he doesn’t want to pressure him.

He supposes that Ignis might’ve thought of Regis as a father figure being that he and Noct have been friends since childhood; introduced at eleven and eight when Ignis’ uncle and guardian began working for Regis. Ignis had fallen out with his uncle in his mid-teens, around the same time that the man was let go from Insomnia Corp. Noctis doesn’t care what ever happened to the elder Scientia.

He hopes that Ignis will attend the funeral tomorrow, he knows that the other man will hate himself if he doesn’t and selfishly he thinks that he’ll cope better if he’s there beside him. He takes his phone out of his pocket and dials Ignis’ number.

“ _Noct?”_ Gods he sounds awful, if he wasn’t teetotal it would be easy to think he was drunk out of his skull.

“Uh, hi Iggy. How ya doing?”

Ignis clears his throat noisily, _“I’m… I’m fine, Noct. You are more important. How are you?”_ He sounds totally out of it, voice devoid of emotion.

“I’m okay, just gearing up for the funeral tomorrow… Um… Will you be there?” He checks the time, t-minus twenty four hours to go. It’s not been a long time coming, Clarus has worked his ass off to get everything sorted smoothly. He’s managed to keep the event fairly low key despite how loved as a public servant Regis was, hence why Noct is up early picking out a burial suit.

“ _Yeah, I’ll be present Noct.”_ Comes the slightly slurred reply, Ignis doesn’t say ‘yeah’ and Ignis doesn’t drink; what the hell?

“Um, that’s really great Specs… Is Ravus there at all? Medical question...”

Ignis doesn’t reply but Noctis hears shuffling as the phone is passed over, _“Hello Noctis, I’m sorry for your loss.”_ Luna’s brother’s voice is clipped and posh as usual but he sounds sincere enough; although Noct has become incredibly sick of hearing that particular sentiment from everyone who speaks to him.

“Thanks Ravus. What the hell is wrong with Ignis?!” He doesn’t beat about the bush, worry over riding manners, “he sounds hammered!”

“ _I assure you he is not. He’s just… He’s taken your fathers death rather hard. His doctor has increased his medication a little.”_

Ignis doesn’t like any of them knowing that he takes medication on a daily basis, despite all their reassurance that they couldn’t care less. Ignis is Ignis and they love him for it. Noctis is glad that Ravus lives with Ignis, as annoyingly stuck up as he finds the brother of one of his best friends, the man is a brilliant doctor and they do seem to get on really well.

They seem to have an unspoken bond and Noct has often wondered if they are secretly a couple, the jury is out. Gladio had howled with laughter, Prompto concluded that they wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret for this many years and Luna made a sick noise and said that she preferred to think of her brother as a non sexual being.

“Will you bring him to the funeral tomorrow Ravus? Please?” Noct hears a drawn out sigh from the older man.

“ _I will Noctis, of course I will. Just… Just be aware that he might not to be quite… ah… as **controlled** as he usually is.”_

“Okay...” He attempts to say more but the words catch in this throat and tears sting the corners of his eyes, Ravus must hear something as he says,

_“I’ll hand the phone back to Ignis. See you tomorrow.”_

“ _Noct? ‘M so so sorry.”_ There is an edge in Ignis’ voice that forces the tears to fall from Noctis’ eyes and trace twin tracks down his cheeks, _“your father was the best, and he loved you so much. Sooo much._ _More than anyone.”_

Noctis sniffs and wipes his face, “Thanks Iggy. Get some rest okay? I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“ _Yes, walk tall Noctis.”_

Ignis hangs up and Noctis stares at the phone in his hand, walk tall? He tries to remember if Regis has ever said that to him in front of his friends, he supposes he must have done for Ignis is parrot him. He shrugs and gathers up the suit, picking up some black shoes and heading back down the stairs; he has a lot to get done today.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Ravus wordlessly plucks the phone from Ignis’ hand, gloved as always, though the other man is currently dressed in some of Ravus’ old sweats. The green eyes are starting to close in exhaustion again; since Regis death, almost a week ago, Ignis has been sleeping mostly. Helped by the anxiety medication that his psychiatrist suggested that he take in fairly large amounts, he’s been cocooned in Ravus’ bed, unwilling to even enter his own room. Ravus has let him, wanting to do anything to help that he can, but as a result he is so tired. He hates sleeping in a bed with anyone, even Ignis, and he’s constantly on edge, constantly wanting to have eyes on the other man in case he tries to hurt himself again. He knows that he looks awful, too thin, lank hair and bags under his eyes, but he also knows that it’s not about him.

“Are you okay Ravus?” He jumps when his housemate speaks, turning to look into green orbs and an equally disheveled face. “You look so sad.”

Ravus takes a deep breath, Ignis hasn’t been speaking at all unless absolutely necessary until answering the phone to Noctis, “I’m just tired Ignis.”

Ignis very slowly puts his hand on Ravus’ thigh, pausing in case the taller man objects, he blinks owlishly at him and says solemnly, “I’m sorry that I stole your bed.”

Ravus lays his hand over the gloved one and chuckles quietly, it feels alien to laugh but Ignis is so childlike that he can’t help it. “It is fine, really. How are you feeling? Do you want something to drink, it’s time for you medication.”

Ignis sighs, “I… I think I should take less of the new one. Milla said that I could if I felt more in control.”

The slur is still present in his voice but that is the longest that he’s spoken in some time so Ravus nods slowly, he won’t mention the funeral now. Honestly, as highly as he regards Dr. Maxwell, his professional opinion is that delaying the grieving process through sedation is not always wise decision. He hopes that the funeral will allow Ignis some release, he couldn’t give a shit about Noctis finding out about Ignis and Regis anymore; he doesn’t care about anything but Ignis. He must growl out loud as these thoughts intrude because Ignis’ hand tenses under his and so he pushes them back for further analysis later. Or rather he tries but the memories come and Ravus is too tired to block them out, despite their unwelcome nature.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_Ravus shakes and sweats and cries over his waste paper basket as he vomits again, in the movies first kisses are not like this. His boyfriend has left, calling him a freak on his way out and slamming the door behind him. He has no doubt that this will be all over school tomorrow -‘the little one armed gay boy can’t even kiss!’ - it will be hot news. He’s sixteen and he lost his arm two years previously, missed over a year of school, then moved schools so now he has no friends and he cannot wait to get out of there. Lunafreya sits with him at lunch but is in a different year so he rarely sees her. Therefore when Edward, a good looking and friendly boy, had shown him affection during maths class one day he’d been overjoyed. The boys hit it off, Edward has few friends also; a fact that he has attributed to being openly gay for as long as anyone at school can remember, though now he has this hot gossip on Ravus he might gain a few more._

_Ravus begins to shiver uncontrollably, not fully understanding what is happening to him; before he lost his arm he had lots of friends. More girls than boys, some were starting to get crushes on each other but Ravus wasn’t overly bothered, he then spend his formative puberty years in and out of hospitals or physio. He had a crush on his physiotherapist for a while but he knew nothing would happen so it was safe._

_And now, he feels wrong. They were kissing and that was fine, until Edward had stuck his tongue in Ravus’ mouth and it felt like an invasion; he’d forced the feeling down though – attributing it to nerves. Then Edward’s hands were everywhere! On his arms, shoulders, chest and then finally ghosting over his groin. He made a noise into the kiss that came out as a moan so the other boy had rubbed harder at his crotch, Ravus tried redirecting his hands but Edward was seemingly determined. He unfastened Ravus’ pants and grasped at his dick, desperate to feel skin on skin -._

“ _You’re not even hard?!” He’d broken the kiss in disgust, “what the fuck?!”_

_Ravus jerked away; breathing ragged, heart raging and the feeling of sickness washing over him. That’s when he grabbed the waste paper bin and started vomiting._

_When he’s sure that he has nothing left to bring up and needing to distract himself from his current state he googles his symptoms, an anxiety attack. Of course, he does feel similar to when he first lost his arm and would wake up screaming from phantom pain, remembering time and time again that it was truly gone. But why now? He is deeply embarrassed as he types in the next search, ‘fear of being touched sexually’:_

_**'The term erotophobia can also be used when describing genophobia. It comes from the name of the Greek god of erotic love, Eros. Genophobia can induce panic and fear in individuals, much like panic attacks. People who suffer from the phobia can be intensely affected by attempted sexual contact or just the thought of it.’** _

 

 

* * *

 

 

He’s been in love with Ignis for a few years now, since the suicide attempt really, but he knows that he’s grotesque. He knows that he’s perverted. Despite everything Jude has tried to tell him to the contrary, despite all the cognitive behavioural therapy, despite _everything._

He touches Ignis often and always has, since the day they met and for as long as the other man will allow it, to grant himself all that he can ever expect from a “relationship”. He’ll never tell the other man though, about his feelings not the genophobia – Ignis knows about that – because he’s afraid of sex with _anyone_ and he cannot expect Ignis to live like that or, more importantly, to ever reciprocate his feelings. Ignis is so pure, and Ravus is a monster.

He gets up with a long drawn out sigh, “I’m making tea, want some?”

Ignis’ brow furrows at his tone but he doesn’t mention it. “Sure, do you want to wash up?” He asks, a barely visible smile on his face.

Ravus smiles too but it is pained, despite his joy at Ignis offering to cook in their standard way, “I would.”


	5. Funeral Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day of the Funeral and Ravus is dreading it, though Ignis is eerily calm.
> 
> ***WARNING: CONTAINS ARDYN, SEX, ABUSE, ALCOHOL ABUSE & A SUICIDE ATTEMPT.***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter but it contains all that I wanted it to.
> 
> Potestis intelligere me? - Can you understand me?  
> Diazepam - Valium
> 
> Thank you so so much for all your comments and Kudos, I hope you can wade through the angst of this one. The next one is waaaaaay worse.
> 
> K

** Chapter Five **

Ingis & Ravus' apartment

_ Hotel Atlas/ Ravus & Ignis' Student House - Three years earlier _

* * *

 

 

Ravus wakes with a sense of foreboding, more so than usual. Ignis is still sleeping beside him, brown crinkled in a frown even in slumber and it makes Ravus sad to see. Ignis hasn’t slept in his own bed since the accident, the door to his bedroom remaining tightly closed; a time capsule of Regis’ last night on earth. He’s even been wearing Ravus’ clothes, they’re much too big already, and now that Ignis has been eating only what Ravus can force him to, they hang off his lithe frame.

The sound of rain hitting this window disguises the sound of the sheets as he gets up and heads into his shower room, he blinks under the yellow light and grimaces as his refection. His silver hair is lank and greasy, there are bags under his mismatched eyes and he’s aged about fifty years in the last few days. He looks at his bare chest, the scars marring the left side leading to the prosthesis; the shoulder is red raw, it desperately needs adjusting now but there is nothing to be done about it. Maybe after the funeral Luna will watch Ignis while he goes to see Balin, he needs to see the man anyway regarding his continued absence from work.

He showers quickly, checks on Ignis to make sure he is still asleep and slips out of his room, he crosses the apartment silently and opens Ignis’ door. The bed is neatly made and nothing is out of place, Ravus opens the closet and finds one of Ignis’ black suits planning on making a quick exit. He’s almost out when he notices Regis’ sleepwear folded neatly on the corner of the bed. Something in him breaks away and before he really knows what’s hit him he feels tears spring to his eyes, this won’t do. He stuffs his fist into his mouth and bites down hard, there will be time for this later he tells himself sternly. He takes a deep breath, clutches Ignis’ suit tighter to his chest and leaves the room.

He hangs the suit up in the living room goes into the kitchen to fire up the coffee machine, he comes back into the main room and jumps out of his skin. Ignis is standing at the window staring out at the rain, he must hear Ravus’ gasp as he speaks without turning around.

“I do not want to take my meds today Ravus.” His voice is even and clear, he sounds quite certain.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea…” Ravus honestly doesn’t believe that postponing Ignis’ dose until after the funeral will make any difference but last thing he wants is for the other man to become non compliant with his medication in general. He hasn’t sedated his housemate again since the first time.

“Please. Ravus, do not make me beg you. I need to be me. I need to feel like me.” Ignis’ voice does not waver and he is standing tall, “I need to say goodbye as me.”

“Alright Ignis.” Ravus sighs, moving to stand beside his friend and putting a hand on his shoulder, “I’m here you for always.”

Ignis drops his head and puts his hand over Ravus’, “I know.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

_This is wrong, Ignis knows it. The man is over twenty years his senior, he is smarmy and over confident; he is also Ignis’ professor. They’ve been meeting like this for over a year now, in anonymous hotel rooms far away from the university and anyone who might recognise them._

_Ignis gasps as he is roughly penetrated, pain shooting up his spine and down again. He remembers when it wasn’t like this, when it was kind and loving and special. When Ardyn had taken his virginity so carefully, like the treasured gift that it was; the other man going so slowly, whispering promises of love and adoration into Ignis’ ear as he went. A rough hand in his hair brings him sharply back to reality._

“ _Nggh, Ardyn please! Not so rough.” He forces out between gritted teeth._

 _Ardyn doesn’t respond verbally, he just tightens his hand in the younger man's hair and thrusts harder. The blond is still tight, but no where near as good_ _as he used to be and no where near_ _as_ _tight as his replacement. His thrusts become more erratic as he nears his orgasm, he runs his nails down the other man’s back, relishing the sore red lines that appear; the moan of pain and pleasure that Ignis cannot help but release. He reaches underneath them and grabs at Ignis’ cock, he jerks his hand; strangling an orgasm from the younger man. As he comes Ignis’ muscles contract around Ardyn and he pumps himself empty inside the boy, collapsing on top of him without care. Ignis’ knees buckle with the weight and he falls flat onto his belly; face pressed into the pillow and breathing ragged._

 _Ardyn lays there until he regains his breath and reality seeps back into his consciousness. He pulls out without a word and goes into the bathroom_ _to clean up. Ignis lies still, breath coming out in harsh gasps, he aches and he knows that he is bleeding. He hears the bathroom door open again and Ardyn slaps him none to gently across the back of the thighs, “_ _Up! Come on.” There is blood and semen pooling at Ignis’ entrance and Ardyn is disgusted with the other man. “You are messing up the sheets, horrid boy.”_

“ _Whatever happened to ‘Darling’?” Ignis asks, voice muffled by the pillows, his voice hoarse._

“ _Fine. You are messing up the sheets_ _ **Darling**_ _.” Ardyn sneers, “_ _now get_ _ **UP**_ _!”_

_Ignis complies, limping into the bathroom to clean himself up and blinking back tears as he goes. When he emerges Ardyn is fully clothed and leaning against the wall impatiently, Ignis is his lift home._

“ _Please, Ignis, move slower. I have nothing better to do today.”_

“ _THAT’S IT!” Ignis shouts, “enough! This treatment has to stop Ardyn. I feel like you don’t even_ _ **like**_ _me any more, let alone_ _ **love**_ _me!” He is red in the face and shaking with rage or fear or both._

_Ardyn starts to laugh quietly, watching the other man finally get the point. Now to hammer it home._

“ _Idiot boy. You think I’ve ever loved you? I have a wife, and an unending line of boys just like you who have a professor f_ _etish_ _and daddy issues_ _.” He strides across the room and grabs Ignis by the throat, holding him against the wall. He punctuates his next words by roughly shaking the smaller man, green eyes tightly closed as_ _his head hits the wall behind him._

“ _You are_ _ **nothing**_ _to me, you have been an amusing little_ _ **fuck toy**_ _for a while but now that time is_ _ **up**_ _. How anyone could_ _ **love**_ _you is beyond me you little_ _ **whore**_ _. Begging me to take you, eating up my time and my_ _ **energy**_ _.”_

 _He doesn’t shout the words, mindful of other hotel customers, “it’s over Ignis. You tell_ _**anyone** _ _about us and I will end your career before it has begun. I will_ _**fail** _ _you. I will_ _**end** _ _you. You are_ _**crazy** _ _remember, it’s_ _**my word against yours you little slut** _ _.”_

 _He releases the boy and watches him slide down the wall to the floor where he sits massaging his throat. Tears running down his face, glasses askew. He looks down his nose as the fool snivels at his feet. “Never contact me again outside of lectures, even then… Do try not to bother me? You_ _**disgust** _ _me.”_

 _I_ _gnis dissolves into tears as Ardyn slams the door shut behind him, he covers his face with his hands, gloved as always, Ardyn hadn’t even bothered undressing him from the waist up. Just fucked him and left. Ignis’ tears dry up and he pulls on his pants, socks and shoes. He leaves the room quickly and walks out a fire escape, not caring if it triggers an alarm._ _His one thought as he gets into the car, wincing as he sits, is to get to the nearest liquor store and get home._

 _It might’ve been better, in retrospect, if Ignis’ erratic driving had gotten him arrested on the way home; but he gets back unscathed. He kicks off his shoes in the hall way and heads straight upstairs to his shower room, he turns the water to scalding hot and scrubs at himself_ _for a good thirty minutes._

_He re-dresses and snags the bottle he’s bought, and goes upstairs again to the study. His computer is already on and he finds some music before settling himself on one of the sofas. Ignis has never had any alcohol before, let alone anything as strong as the whisky he has bought himself, it burns his throat and he coughs roughly. He steels himself and by the time he has drunk a quarter of the bottle he can understand why alcoholic’s exist._

_He is singing softly and hiccuping when he gets to the end of the first half of the bottle, but then he thinks of Ardyn again and the singing turns to uncontrollable sobbing. He curls his long frame up on the sofa, around the bottle and attempts to kill the sobs by drinking more,_ _he feels sick and panicky so he does the only thing that makes sense to him. Ignis goes to his desk and pulls out a bottle of diazepam, ‘ONE to be taken up to THREE times a day if needed for anxiety’, he snorts and swallows as many as will fit in his palm. It occurs to him briefly what he’s doing, he didn’t know until now that he_ _truly_ _wanted to die. Ignis shrugs to no one and tips the entire bottle down his throat, he swallows them with what’s left of the whisky._

_T_ _he next thing Ignis is aware of is the cold and wet; and being held from behind by strong arms. He’s shivering but the person holding him is not, he tries to move but his body is not responding as it should, all his limbs feel lead like and uncoordinated so he tries to speak. It’s agony. His throat burns and his eyes water, the only sound that escapes is a rasp but it is enough that the person holding on to him shifts slightly._

“ _Ignis, can you hear me? Just nod.” Ravus croaks from against the shower wall, Ignis looks around; it t_ _akes_ _a while to recognise his shower from the tray in which they sit. Ignis between Ravus’ legs directly under the spray of the ice cold water, the other man shielded slightly but still soaked._

_He nods slowly, head pounding and even the small movement enough to make him nauseous._

“ _Potestis intelligere me?”_ _Ravus asks and Ignis nods again. “Good, lets get dry.” He says shortly, shifting with a groan from behind Ignis and pulling the other man up with him. Ignis sags against him so he supports his friend around the waist while he turns off the spray, he sits Ignis down on the toilet and begins to undress him._

 _I_ _gnis stares straight ahead as he is stripped bare by Ravus and wrapped in a large towel and a robe, he sort of sees the other man do the same to himself, minus the robe; he doesn’t have one in here. Instead he wraps a towel securely around his waist_ _and hurries out of the room, the sight of him leaving triggers something and Ignis starts to cry. He holds himself and tries to stop but the enormity of what he’s done hits him and he is almos_ _t_ _crushed by his disp_ _a_ _r_ _e_ _._

 _He starts when strong arms wrap around him and he is pulled against Ravus’ chest, the man is clothed now having run to his own room to change._ _He is steered out of the bathroom and pulled down onto the bed to sit nestled in Ravus’ lap; the other man pets his hair and he cries and cries and cries._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They get to the church early, Ignis wants to meet with his friends before the service starts. Ravus is surprised at how composed the man is, he has shaved and taken the time to style his hair; though the persistent rain is doing its best to flatten errant strands against his forehead. His black attire is flawless as always, having been meticulously ironed and straightened, he has chosen to wear tinted glasses instead of his normal ones claiming that his medication makes his eyes overly sensitive to light.

They enter the family room to the side of entrance and Ignis is hit suddenly by a black blur, “Ignis!” Noctis cries as he grabs the taller man in a frankly crushing hug, Ignis’ arms come round him in an embrace and he drops his face into wayward raven hair. Ravus stands back, closer to Prompto and Gladiolus and watches sadly as Ignis pulls back enough from Noctis to look as his face; the blond wipes gloved fingers gently over the boy’s high cheek bones, “I’m here, Noctis.”

“I’ve missed you Specs,” Noctis says quietly, “I need to ask something of you. I… I wanted to ask you before now but I also wanted to ask you in person and you can say no if you want...”

Ignis tilts his head and looks at his friend, “anything. I’m sorry I’ve been absent.”

Noctis scratches the back of his head, further messing up his hair, “don’t be sorry. I get it. Um… anyway… Would you help us...” he clears his throat and asks in a rush, “would you help us carry the coffin?”

Ravus feels his heart sink as Ignis replies without hesitation, “I would be honoured, Noctis.”

 

 


	6. Funeral Day Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ignis' calm shatters and a little bit more of Ravus' is torn away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst.
> 
> ...I'm so cruel.
> 
> Apologies that the spacing is off, my computer or AO3 or both seem to have gone insane.

**Chapter Six**

 

* * *

 

 

 

Noctis threads his arm under the coffin and holds fast to Ignis’ shoulder, behind him Gladio does the same with Prompto and behind them Clarus and Cid. They bare Regis coffin together, it is much heavier than Noctis expected and he can feel Ignis trembling from the weight of it too. They carry it down the centre aisle of the church and set it on it’s plinth before seating themselves in the front row as the priest begins the service.

There is much talk about souls and how great a man his father was, some stories from the past told by Cid and Clarus that make Noctis smile sadly and wish again that he’d known the man better. He steals a look either side of him, Prompto is crying openly so Noctis takes his hand and squeezes gently earning a small smile from his friend. Ignis is still and impassive, his eyes hidden behind tinted glasses; he has his hands clasped together in his lap and Noctis realises with a jolt that Ravus should be next to the other man. He looks over his shoulder and sees Ravus and Luna sat together with their mother, they wear almost identical expressions of sadness; Luna meets his eyes and offers a slow blink like a cat.

“And now we welcome Regis’ son Noctis to say a few words.” Noctis jerks his head back around and stands numbly, walking up to the lectern; speech clutched in shaking hands.

“My father,” he starts but his voice is too small, he clears his throat and tries again.

“My father was a great man, he touched many lives; we can all see that by the attendance here today. I wish… I wish I’d known him better… I suppose I always thought we’d have tomorrow. He seemed immortal to me, he was my hero.” His voice starts to crack but he forges ahead, “Dad always told me to walk tall, but he never told me how to do that without him… I… I...” His face crumples and he starts to cry, he feels gentle hands on his shoulders and turns to see Ignis.

“Please allow me, Noctis.” He other man gently takes the speech from his hands and he gratefully returns to his seat, face hidden is his hands.

“I remember as a child he would carry me on his shoulders,” Ignis continues at the lectern, “And I felt invincible, like nothing could hurt me. Although I eventually grew too large for his shoulders he still carried me. I could talk to him about anything, any time. Though we’d grown apart since I moved out, I knew I could share anything and have him beat me at poker whenever I needed him. He really was the best dad I could’ve ever wished for and I miss him so much. I see that you all do too, and I thank you so much for being here with me today. He loved every single one of you.” Ignis finishes and looks like he might add something, instead he looks down at the coffin, he places a gloved hand on it and says something that only he can hear.

The tall man returns to his seat beside Noctis and lays his hand on the younger man’s back; rubbing soothing circles throughout the rest of the service. All too soon it is time to take the coffin outside to the open grave; the priest tells everyone that it is just to be close friends and family for the burial and invites them on behalf of Noctis to go ahead to the wake. Noctis has been dreading this part the most, he clings to Ignis’ arm under the coffin and feels the other man squeezing back.

They put the coffin – Regis – down again on the straps to lower him into the ground and all six of them bend as one to take a handful of earth in their hand.

The priest leads them as they stand looking down at the coffin as it is lowered into the ground, three on either side, Noctis opposite Ignis. The rain is falling in earnest now and Ignis hair has fallen out of its usual style, it’s across his forehead further hiding his eyes.

“Into the darkness and warmth of the earth”, the Priest says solemnly.

“We lay you down.” Clarus and Cid say together in clear voices, dropping their earth onto the coffin.

“Into the sadness and smiles of our memories,”

“We lay you down.” Prompto’s lips move but Noctis cannot hear him say the words and Gladio is quieter than usual, they drop their earth too.

“Into the cycle of living and dying and rising again,”

“We lay you down” Noctis says with Ignis, not looking at any of his friends as he drops his earth, he is crying silently as the priest ends with;

“May you rest in peace, in fulfilment, in loving. May you run straight home in the God's embrace.”

Clarus crosses to Noctis and draws him into a hug, he feels Gladio’s hand on his back and knows that Prompto and Ignis are close by. “Come on lad,” Clarus says into his ear, “let’s get out of this rain.” Noctis nods into the older man’s coat, he allows himself to be taken to the car with Prompto and Gladio. Cid goes to find his daughter and Ignis remains at the grave side, presumably waiting for Ravus; Noctis is barely aware of any of them as the car drives smoothly away from the church.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Ignis hears the sound of the funeral car pulling away over the rain, he manages to glance around him to check that he’s alone before he falls to knees, simply unable to stand any more.

“Regis.” His lovers name tears out of his throat as a harsh sob, “Regis I’m so sorry…” He wraps his arms around himself and bends forward as if trying desperately to physically hold himself together, he is shaking with suppressed sobs and all he can feel is regret. It pounds through his veins and he is consumed by it.

 “ _Please talk to me Love. I don't want to part on a quarrel…"_ Ignis shakes his head, trying to expel the memories that he has been steadfastly refusing to let in.

  _"I love you Ignis, my heart beats for you."_

  _"I'll see you later."_

He cannot stand this. His last words to the man who had meant the whole world to him echo around and around his head getting louder and louder until he is pressing his palms over his ears to make it stop. He doesn’t realise that he’s screaming until his arms are pulled away from his head harshly and his is tipped forwards against a broad chest.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Ravus is on his knees in front of Ignis on the muddy ground, he rests his cheek on Ignis’ head and rubs his back as the smaller man’s screams turn into sobs. He is infinitely glad that they are alone in the church yard, most of the funeral attendees having already left for the wake while the actual burial took place. His mother and Luna had stayed with him so that he wasn’t alone while he waited for Ignis but he had sent them on out of the rain and gone to find his friend.

He is astonished at how composed the man managed to be throughout the funeral, he has been waiting for this to come out since Noctis asked for the other man’s help in carrying the coffin. He’d watched, inwardly terrified, as Ignis has approached Noctis during the boy’s short eulogy and had been so proud when his friend read in Noctis’ stead. He hadn’t heard the words that Ignis had directed to the coffin before he sat down again but Luna is able to lip read; what she’d whispered in his ear had brought tears to his mismatched eyes.

_"Donec iterum conveniant ego sum nihil."_

_'Until we shall meet again, I am nothing at all.'_

“R-Ravus?” Ignis shivers, peering up at him from under dark glasses, “do I have to go to the wake?”

He sounds so small, so childlike that Ravus never wants to stop holding him; he wants to protect Ignis from the world, if only for a short while.

“No, no you don’t. You’ve done so well Ignis, so very well.” He takes his phone out of his pocket and sends a message to Luna behind Ignis’ back, still holding him against his chest.

**Ignis is not well enough to attend wake. Please explain to Noctis? Tell him meds etc.**

He knows that his sister will take care of it, she’s also agreed to come over in a few days time to look after Ignis while Ravus sees to his arm and talks to Balin in person. His boss has been so very understanding since the accident, granting Ravus indefinite leave and wishing them both well. Balin also happens to be the genius behind Ravus’ prosthesis. Along with Jude of course.

Ignis is shivering in earnest now so Ravus stands up, offering his hands and bringing the shorter man to his feet as well. They are both soaked to the bone and Ravus absolutely refuses to recall the similarities of that day in the old house. He loops his arm around Ignis’ waist and they walk slowly to the car. Ignis folds himself into the backseat rather than get into the front and Ravus opens the trunk to retrieve a blanket, he tucks it around Ignis and gets into the drivers seat. He drives carefully through the pouring rain, glancing at Ignis in the rear view mirror every couple of seconds; consequently his heart splinters more ever few seconds. He wills his tears away as Ignis cries and moans and speaks is a muddle of English and Latin to himself too quietly for Ravus to pick up on the words.

They arrive home in about forty minutes and Ravus has not entirely kept his tears at bay despite his best efforts, Ignis has fallen silent and shows no sign of being willing or able to move. It’s awkward as hell but Ravus manages to get Ignis out of the back seats and the other man simply sags against him, Ravus holds him there while he locks the car before scooping the willowy man up into his arms.

How he is able to get them both into the apartment is slightly beyond him but he manages, setting Ignis down on the sofa and going into the bathroom to run his housemate a hot bath. He goes back into the lounge and opts to undress Ignis where he is, he removes the other man’s coat and jacket easily; he loosens the tie and pulls it over Ignis’ head before starting to unbutton the shirt.

He starts when a shaking hand touches his cheek, his hands pause and looks down into Ignis’ eyes; twin pools of green have blown black with emotion. The hand trails over this cheek and into his silver hair behind his ear, Ravus closes his eyes as Ignis pulls him down so that their foreheads meet. He knew this might happen. He’d hoped that it wouldn’t, prayed even, because rejecting Ignis when he knows how much his friend needs solace is a horrible thing to do. Ignis tilts his head back and presses his lips against Ravus’, his heart rate immediately triples, he breaks out in a cold sweat and Ravus’ eyes fly open.

He pushes Ignis back gently, “you don’t want this Ignis, not with me, not really.”

Ignis’ head falls and he shakes, “I… I… _Please_ … Ravus...” He moans.

“Ignis, you know that I can’t… Please don’t put me in this position.” He whispers, horrified.

The blood has drained from his face and his breathing is uneven. His housemate looks at him and shrinks back into himself. “I’m so sorry Ravus, I’m so so sorry.” Ignis chokes out, eyes filling with tears again.

“It’s okay,” Ravus forces himself to calm down and pulls Ignis to him, holding him close. “I’ve filled the bath for you.” Ignis nods and raises his hands between them to continue unbuttoning his shirt, Ravus goes to get towels and when he comes back the other man is wearing just his boxers; shivering on the couch. Ravus extends his prosthetic hand and pulls the other man up, leading him into the bathroom; he turns away as Ignis strips fully naked and hisses as he gets into the hot, foamy water.

“I know I’ve no right to ask this,” Ignis starts, and Ravus turns back around to look questioningly at his friend, “but will you please stay with me?”

“Of course I will.” Ravus sits on the toilet seat, his mismatched eyes staring, unfocused, on a spot on the bathroom floor.

“I’m sorry.” Ignis says again, closing his eyes and leaning back against the wall. He appears defeated and Ravus couldn’t be angry with him if he tried.

“It is all right Ignis, really.” He looks up, “I will help you in any way I can, just please, do not ask that of me.”

He feels drained and tired. He realizes that he is still dressed in sopping wet clothing, he undressed and steps into the shower wordlessly leaving Ignis to doze in the bath. The spray is soothing and he leans his forehead against the wall, he turns up the heat until he can barely stand it and scrubs at his face and body relentlessly. His shoulder hurts, he is tired and now he feels flustered and hateful and disgusting and frightened and shaken.

He screws his eyes up, takes several deep breaths and turns off the shower. “I just need to dress, Ignis. Do you want something of mine to wear also?”

He knows that he sounds distant but it cannot be helped. Ignis stirs and opens his eyes, he regards Ravus with sorrow and nods, “please.”

Ravus turns on his heel and goes into his bedroom, he dries himself quickly and efficiently before starting to dress. He puts on underwear, socks, jeans, a shirt, a waistcoat and a blazer but still feels naked and exposed. He finds some clean pajamas for Ignis and returns to the bathroom. He puts them on the heater for Ignis and retrieves his phone from his wet clothes, he texts Jude.

**Jude are you free at all tonight? Please. R**

While he waits for his friend to reply he picks up his clothes from the bathroom floor and gathers Ignis’ from the living room, he divides them into dry cleaning and washing putting the latter into the wash and turning on the machine. He stares through the door as the water starts to flow in until he feels a vibration from his pocket.

**Be over in 20. Bringing whiskey. Don’t argue. J xxx**

Whiskey. The funeral drink. Ravus hears the bathroom door open and goes to meet Ignis emerging. The smaller man is swaying on his feet, clearly exhausted so Ravus takes his hand and leads him into his bedroom, he settles him in his bed and goes to get a glass of water and Ignis’ medication from the kitchen. When he gets back Ignis is already falling asleep, face snuggled into Ravus’ pillows; “Ignis, please take these,” his tone leaves no room for argument and Ignis opens his eyes. He sits up and takes the pills obediently, Ravus offers him a small smile and he does his best to return it before snuggling back under the blankets.

“Jude is coming over in a little bit. Work stuff.” Ravus lies because it is easier and because he still feels violated. He gets no response, the other man is already asleep.


	7. May I Hug You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Jude Mathis, MD.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is short and I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to update, my own health has to come first and I'm afraid I went a little crazy. 
> 
> Enjoy.

**Chapter Seven**

Ignis & Ravus' apartment - late evening

_ Ravus & Jude's student house - Six years earlier _

 

Jude doesn’t knock when he gets to Ravus’ apartment because he never does, it’s late evening and he had today off anyway. It’s dark inside and he can just about make out Ravus’ form, silhouetted against the window; his former housemate doesn’t acknowledge him so he flicks on the light and immediately turns it down low. He bypasses into the kitchen and can only find one whiskey tumbler so pours a drink into it for Ravus and puts his own in a mug. He’s either going to sleep here or get Ludger to come pick him up, depending on the hour.

He goes back into the lounge and presses the glass into Ravus’ hand. The other man looks down at it before turning to look at Jude. He looks awful. There are dark shadows under his eyes and he looks too thin, he’s dressed up to the nines as well. Well damn. His boots are tightly laced, dark grey jeans grip his legs, a dark red shirt makes his face look even paler and he looks too small in a grey waistcoat and blazer.

“Want to sit down Rav?” He asks quietly, the other man looks at the sofa and shakes his head no. He extends his prosthetic hand with a wince and gestures to the kitchen. They take seats at the kitchen table and Ravus holds his drink out wordlessly for Jude to touch with his own, “Regis.” They say in unison, both men taking a drink to the fallen.

Jude narrows his amber eyes at his friend, “you look awful.”

Ravus snorts into his drink and his lips begin to tremble, he tilts his head forward to obscure his face with platinum hair and Jude knows that he is crying silent suppressed tears.

“May I hug you?” Jude asks, moving around the table to wrap his arms over Ravus’ shoulders at the other man’s nod of consent. He feels his friend let out a long breath and move to grasp his arms back, they stay like that as Jude remembers.

 

* * *

 

_The front door slams shut and Jude winces in his seat at the kitchen table, he hears Ravus kick off his shoes and knock over the coat stand in rage. It’s past two am, and Jude got off shift about an hour ago. He closes his amber eyes and tucks his laptop away in it’s case before storm Ravus gets close enough to damage it. The storm reaches the kitchen as Ravus slams his bag down on the counter and throws his treasured white trench coat over the chair opposite Jude. It hits and slides to the floor in a heap, Ravus lets out a frustrated noise and turns on his heel, stomping up the stairs to his room. Jude gets up and picks up the coat, shaking out the creases before setting it back on the chair; he goes back to the front door and rights the coat stand. The young doctor returns to the kitchen and makes two mugs of tea, he holds them in one hand and positions Ravus’ coat over his other arm before heading up the stairs into the eye of the storm._

_"Rav?” He calls from outside his housemates door, he gets no response so opens the door with his elbow and puts the tea down on Ravus’ chest of draws. The shower is running but the door is open, Jude hangs up the trench coat in its proper place on the back of the door. The thing is_ _nearly the same size as him, it was Ravus’ father’s as he understands it, a treasured heirloom; that Ravus would treat it with such disregard disturbs Jude more than Ravus’ obvious temper._

_He hears something smash in the shower room and rushes in, Ravus is still dressed and standing in front of the now broken mirror. Steam from the shower billows around him and his face is screwed up in rage and something else, his breathing is fast and shallow; he is close to hyperventilating so Jude reaches out to touch his shoulder._

_“Don’t touch me!” Ravus shrieks at him and Jude leaps backwards in surprise, the much taller man backs himself into the shower cubicle still fully dressed; he slides down the wall under the spray and huddles his large frame into the corner._

_Jude holds both hands up in surrender and steps towards the shower slowly, “Ravus… Ravus can you hear me? Do you know where you are?” he hisses as he reaches the water, it is scalding hot. He deftly switches off the shower and the silence is deafening. Ravus’ eyes are wide and fearful, his breathing is still erratic and Jude sinks to his knees before him. He asks his questions again and Ravus nods, bringing his hand up to push his sopping hair out of his eyes._

_“What has happened Rav?” Jude asks, “are you injured?”_

_“I said no.”_

_Jude is confused, it must show on his face because Ravus clarifies; “I said no to him. I told him no. I’m disgusting Jude. I’m sick! Who is fucking afraid of sex? Who is this fucked up for no fucking reason?!”_

_“Rav.” He says firmly, “there is nothing wrong with you. You are not fucked up. Do you hear me?”_

_“I’m a fucking pervert Jude! I found one person who could stand me and I rejected him and let him down and said no. Why couldn’t I have just been a man and done it?!” His voice raises towards hysteria and he lashes out at the bathroom wall with his flesh hand before recoiling in pain. “Fuck!”_

_“Ravus Nox Fleuret!” Jude snaps at his friend, grasping his shoulders and giving him a firm shake. “You. Are. Not. A. Pervert. We’ve talked about this! Being gay is not a perversion! Do you think that I’m a pervert, or Ludger?”_

_Ravus shakes his head strongly, head down and teeth bared in pain, both physical and mental._

_Jude knows that Ravus suffers from severe genophobia, specifically paraphobia, but he also knows that what he is seeing is not just a typical fear response; something has happened, something sinister. Ravus doesn’t lose control like this, not ever. He hardly ever swears and is even less likely to raise his voice._

_“Ravus we need to move.” The heterochromatic eyes come up to meet his and they are so full of raw pain and panic that Jude for a moment forgets that he’s a Doctor, that Ravus is nearly qualified; he feels like they are lost kids. “You wanna shower first?”_

_Jude sits on Ravus’ bed and has time to drink both mugs of tea while Ravus scrubs himself raw in the shower; at least that’s what he assumes his friend has been doing looking at his red skin that clashes violently with his white hair when he comes out of the bathroom with a towel secured tightly at his waist. His prosthetic stands out harshly against the skin of his well defined chest but Jude can also see bruising on his real wrist and arm. “Rav?” He asks, looking at his friend for an explanation. Ravus wraps his trench coat around himself instead of a robe and begins to speak in a hollow voice._

_“We’d been flirting all night, he… he was engaging and good looking… He told me that there was no pressure, he just wanted to go somewhere we could hear each other better. I was quite drunk,” he sits heavily on the bed next to Jude, “Gods Jude I’m such an idiot! I followed him and he… he… we did just talk for a while. Then he started touching me and I knew that I was panicking but I couldn’t stop it. He thought it was just nerves and started kissing me. He took my wrists and he restrained me and I… I… We fought, I ran here…”_

_“Ravus, may I hug you?”_

 

* * *

 

Ravus breaks out of Jude’s embrace slowly, like he is just waking up and Jude goes back to sitting across from him. The larger man has stopped crying and his face is impassive, Jude doesn’t re-fill their cups, he puts the bottle back in his bag and zips it closed.

“Balin sends his regards.” He says quietly, “he also says don’t hurry back, we have so many interns at the moment that all your research is still getting done.”

“That’s good.” Ravus croaks, “but my shoulder is killing me. I think I need an adjustment.”

“Show me?” Jude’s area of the research that he, Balin and Ravus are doing is the bio-mechanics of bionic joint replacements and human tissue, but he can still take a look at the other man’s arm; he did help build it after all. He hisses in sympathy as Ravus struggles out of his many layers of clothing; he knows better than to try and help the other man undress. The shoulder area is swollen and red, pushing into the cup of the prosthesis uncomfortably; Jude winces.

"You know that I'm going to have to ask you to remove the arm Rav." He says quietly and is very surprised when the other man complies wordlessly, he must really be in pain to expose his residual limb without protest. 

Ravus gasps as he removes the heavy prosthetic, it burns and stings and throbs all at the same time and it is a relief to get the thing off. He can tell that Jude is sympathetic and the smaller man is about the only person that he will accept sympathy from. He knows that the sight of his naked torso is not pretty, he has vivid scars from the acid burns across his shoulders and collar bones that flow down his back. He works out so his chest and arm are muscled and well defined, but he does it for strength not vanity; he never takes his clothes off so what would be the point.

"Oh Ravus," Jude says, he approaches slowly and Ravus nods his consent at the silent request to touch him. The smaller man gently probes his shoulder and he can't contain the whimper that escapes his lips. "There is an infection here, it's got worse with time. I understand why you didn't deal with it earlier with all that's going on..." He falls silent in concentration and continues his exploration of the area.

Ravus stays quiet and stares off into space, trying to block out Jude's administrations, his thoughts drift inevitably back to Ignis. He's loved him since he turned up on his doorstep all those years ago. How else would he be able to touch the other man so easily, express kindness so easily,  _talk_ so easily. After the green eyed mans suicide attempt the two of them had gotten so close that Ravus almost experienced what a relationship would be like, obviously nothing intimate could happen and Ignis fully understood why, but the companionship had brightened Ravus' life. Then Regis had happened. The secrecy and the lies had almost torn Ignis' relationship with Noctis' father apart more times than Ravus could count but he'd always been there. Guiding Ignis through the tears, the tantrums and the excitement with no experience of his own to call on, only his wishes and overwhelming desire to see Ignis happy.

He moans loudly as Jude catches the edge of his residual limb, the doctor tilts his head knowingly and frowns. "I'm sorry, I know... I know it hurts." Jude isn't just talking about the arm, they both know that. Jude draws back and looks him in the eye.

"You need antibiotics, I'll prescribe them but you'll have to go pick them up. I insist that you do." Jude says sternly, "I'll need to take the prosthesis back to the hospital to remodel the join. You'll need to wear your spare for a while but I want you to keep it off as much as you can." 

Ravus nods, and puts his shirt back on one handed with practiced ease. "I've not eaten for a while." He realises, and Jude frowns at him. 

"You look too thin." Jude accuses, "And there is only one solution if you think about it."

Ravus allows a smile to spread across his face as they say in unison, "late night takeout!"

They order and pull the couch out into a bed, they build a nest of blankets and put on awful movies. The food arrives and they snuggle in for the night, just like the old times.


	8. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short reprieve from the angst, Ignis is up and about. And cooking, obviously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that this update has been a long time coming. It's been a traumatic few months to say the least. This story keeps evolving into different things... I did have a whole murder mystery type thing planned but for now have decided to concentrate on just Ravus and Ignis. 
> 
> Thanks for you continuing support.
> 
> K

**Chapter Eight**

Ignis & Ravus' Apartment - early morning

 

Jude wakes up to the amazing smell of cooking and for a moment forgets where he is, he smiles into his pillow and stretches out. He makes contact with someone laying next to him and his amber eyes fly open. Ravus sleeps on, dead to the world, he is tightly wrapped up in some of the many blankets that they made into a nest last night and the table in front of him is covered in food containers from last nights feast. Jude rises silently and wanders into the kitchen, closing the door softly behind him so as not to startle Ignis. He didn’t know what to expect from the other man so he is not entirely surprised to see him up and about, Ignis is dressed in a smart shirt and pressed pants, his sleeves are rolled up and he is wearing a pair of driving gloves. The taller man turns at Jude’s subtle cough and offers a thin smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

 

“Good morning Jude.” He offers, moving to pour two mugs of coffee and handing one over.

 

“Hi Ignis,” Jude mumbles, still partly asleep and always shy; he rubs his hand through already messy hair, “how are you?” It’s a stupid question but an honest one, he isn’t expecting much of a response.

 

Ignis lets out a long breath and replies, “honestly Jude, I feel better for the funeral. I… I feel like I’ve said goodbye as me. I still feel limited. And awful. And guilty… But I can breathe. I went into my room earlier to dress but I didn’t look at anything else...” he trails off and stares intently into his coffee mug for a little while before adding. “I know that I upset Ravus… I thought if I made breakfast he might forgive me easier.”

 

Jude smiles at Ignis, “I’m sure that Ravus feels that there is nothing to forgive but I for one would love breakfast! Can I help? Ludger never lets me.”

 

The green eyed man snorts, knowing full well Ludger’s preference for being unhindered in the kitchen – the two of them having clashed on it several times. “Of course you can, I don’t know how long Ravus will sleep so I’m grilling everything as slowly as I can. Want to make some toast for us while we wait? I need to go and get my medication. Will you supervise me instead of Ravus?”

 

Jude nods solemnly, he grabs some bread and gets to his easy task, secretly very proud of Ignis for remaining compliant with his medication. He has seen grief, he has seen the tears, the numbness, the unnerving unwillingness to accept the truth. Everyone is different, everyone copes in their own way. Ignis comes back into the kitchen with his monitored dosage box and shows it to Jude, he takes out the designated dose and shows Jude again, at the doctors nod of approval he puts the tablets into his mouth and swallows them down with his coffee. The toaster pops and they both jump, smiling with embarrassment at one another. They eat in companionable silence until they hear a low moan from the living room, signalling Ravus’ return to consciousness. The white haired man stumbles into the kitchen and over to the coffee machine without sparing either of them so much as a passing glance. He looks slightly unbalanced having not fully compensated for the loss of his arm, his eyes are barely open and he drinks deeply from his mug, he starts slightly when he realises that the other two are watching him amused.

 

“I didn’t think you’d be up Ignis,” he says quietly, voice rough from sleep. Ignis smiles and Jude notes how this time it does meet his eyes, however fleetingly and files the information away for later.

 

“I’m making breakfast, come sit and I’ll dish up.” Ignis stands and offers Ravus his seat, the taller man gapes at him before sitting down opposite Jude and staring at him with wide eyes. Jude smiles and pats his hand, he mouths the word ‘coping’ and nods towards Ignis’ dose box. Ignis puts two full plates of breakfast in front of the two doctors before retrieving his own and settling himself next to Jude. He takes in Ravus opposite him and gasps quietly, visibly stopping himself from speaking.

 

Ravus regards him over his fork, “it’s about my arm isn’t it?”

 

 _“_ Would you believe me if I said no and tried frantically to back pedal?” Ignis recites, looking at his housemate with concern.

 

“Ravus has an infection in his residual limb,” Jude supplies as Ravus nonchalantly shovels food into his mouth, Ignis’ cooking is amazing, “I’ve prescribed some antibiotics and ideally he won’t wear a prosthesis for a while.”

 

Ravus glares at the smaller doctor but Jude is well and truly immune to him by now, he just flips the vee’s and continues eating his breakfast. Ignis laughs softly at the two of them, then looks shocked at himself for doing so; immediately looking down to the floor. Jude squeezes his knee under the table and he jumps slightly, amber eyes meet green and Jude says nothing at all. Ignis leans close to Jude and their shoulders touch, Jude gently presses a kiss to Ignis’ temple; something that he has never done before but feels inherently right.

 

"You're doing great Ignis." He says softly. 


	9. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noctis learns the truth. Or at least a version of it.

**Chapter Nine**

Regis/Noctis' House

 

Noctis cracks open the door to his father’s – _his –_ house. It is cold and dark and sad but not entirely crippling as it would have been if he had come sooner. In the six or so months since the funeral he has largely regained control of his emotions and is starting to remember happier times with his dad.

 

Prompto gasps as he follows Noctis into Regis’ house, _Noct’s house;_ it is probably the grandest house he’s ever been in. The hall is huge with a beautiful staircase with dark wood banisters, curved at the end and all Prompto can think is how fun it would be to slide down them. He watches as Noct runs his hand over the banisters with a small smile on his face and knows that’s what his friend is thinking too. Maybe later.

 

Noct seems to be coping really well with his loss, he is smiling more often and laughing more readily, they talk about happy memories that he has with his dad and Prompto was not overly surprised that the other man wanted to come here today. Ignis has been cooking for them more often and the four of them hanging out together like old times, playing Kings Knight and poker. Making fun of one another, winding up Ravus and Luna, keeping each other safe and sane and happy.

 

They walk together through the house until they reach Regis’ study, the door squeaks as they enter and Prompto busies himself going to find some oil for the hinge to give Noctis some space as the other man boots up his father’s computer.

 

Noct swivels in his dad’s chair as he waits for the computer to load, he knows that Regis will have password protected his personal machine but is fairly confident that he can get into it. He’s under orders from Cindy to get some photo’s from it to give to Cid – the old man evidently missing his friend. He looks carefully at the keyboard and spies that the digits making up his own date of birth are slightly more shiny than the rest; he smiles to himself at his fathers predictability. He takes a breath and keys in the digits, the computer springs into action and he immediately goes to the images folder. He laughs softly to himself as he views the folder entitled ‘oldies’, pictures of Cid, Clarus and Regis making fools of themselves and occasionally adopting what Prompto sneeringly refers to as catalog poses. He moves them onto a USB drive for Cindy and continues perusing; he finds a folder with his name on it and finds lots of pictures of himself and his friends doing much the same thing. He wipes away an errant tear and saves those photos as well.

 

He is about to shut down the machine when he notices an errant folder on the desktop named ‘amare’, what makes him click on it he doesn’t know but when he does it reveals that it is password protected. A frown creases his brow as he casts his eyes around the large mahogany desk looking for clues, he opens the draws and shuffles through the papers within. The next one down is locked but it only takes a few seconds to find the key, opening the draw he finds a letter in the same handwriting as the note he’d buried with his father.

 

 

**_Dear Regis,_ **

 

_**I cannot apologise enough for my behavior last night, I realise or rather, I realised a long time ago that my feelings are entirely inappropriate. And I’ve tried, I have tried so hard to suppress them, ignore them and look at you in the correct way. I know that I’ve over stepped and completely understand if you never want to see me again but I don’t have it in me to regret my actions, just the way that I conducted myself.** _

 

**_I need to lay out my feelings to you, I need you to understand, as I have come to, that this isn’t just a crush; a passing fancy. I want you. With every part of my being and I need you just as much. I think you want me too but worry about the implications._ **

 

**_But I can be discreet Sir, I promise you absolutely, no one would know but us. Let me show you._ **

 

**_Yours,_ **

 

**_I._ **

 

Noctis can’t breathe, his hands tremble around the letter so short but so damning and all he can feel is blind rage and betrayal. His sight blurs as his eyes fill with angry tears, he swipes them away and continues through the draw.

 

**_Regis,_ **

 

**_Last night was amazing, you complete me in so many ways. I’ve always felt so empty, so adrift and you fill me, ground me and keep me safe. I trust that you enjoyed yourself? I know writing is archaic but all this started with a letter so I find it poetic that it continue thus. Obviously you can destroy them if you need to._ **

 

**_On Thursday night Ravus is on shift so I could cook for you? He will be out all night if I ask him._ **

 

**_Get back to me when you can._ **

 

**__You keep me alive with your love, my heart beats for you._ _ **

**__Y_ _ __ours always xx_ _ **

 

Noctis claws through the draw, finds hundreds of letters all signed in the same way ranging from soft old paper to crisper new stuff each one stabbing through him again and again. He slumps in the chair and tries to make sense of all that he is seeing, he tried to steady his breathing when he hears Prompto returning down the hall but can’t. All he can see in his head are images of Ignis and his father and it sickens him, he’s not homophobic by any means but it just seems so wrong, so sick. He’s always considered Ignis an older brother, thought Ignis loved his dad like a father. Not like this. Never like this. He remembers all the times he’s seen Ignis and Regis interact, how often they were both in bad moods or happy at the same time. It all slots together so well now, he’s enraged at Ignis. Ignis his most trusted friend, lying to him for so long, continuing to lie to him, even now. Regis, obviously straight – using Ignis, fucking Ignis for whatever sick pleasure it gave him or Ignis using Regis for his sick daddy issue fantasies. He knows that Ignis has dated older men, it honestly felt odd but if he didn’t see it he wasn’t bothered as long as Ignis was safe.

 

He wants to confront Ignis, desperate in the hope that Ignis can explain it all away, that he’s somehow got it terribly wrong, that it’s not true. He’s trying to shove aside the damning reference to cooking and to Ravus in the letters. He wonders if Ravus knew why he was getting told to stay out at night. His face flares red when he realises that the smug white haired bastard had to have known, hence his taking such close care of Ignis after Regis’ death. He wants to tear them both down, hurt them, ruin them in the absence of having Regis to rage at.

 

“Welp, I can’t find any oil anywhere, found a bunch of mean looking tools though, did your dad routinely torture people?!” Prompto asks jovially as he bounces into the room. He pales when he notices Noct’s erratic breathing and tense muscles, “Gods Noct I’m sorry I was just joking!” He kneels in front of his friend and gingerly puts his hand on Nocts arm. The dark haired man is holding a bunch of paper tightly in his hands, so tightly it might tear at any moment. “What do you have there bud?” He asks quietly.

 

“Ignis.” Noctis grinds out, “we have to go see Ignis.”

 

“Er… Sure. Like right now? I thought we were going to see Cindy?”

 

“We have to see Ignis!” Noct bellows, leaping to his feet and storming from the room. Prompto grabs the flash drive and hurriedly shuts off the computer before running after his friend.

 

 


	10. Sex and Drugs and Spiraling out of control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An incredibly rough night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you lovely people, here is a mammoth (by my standards) chapter for you in case the dreaded xmas season gets in the way of updates. Trigger warnings for: violence, violent sexual acts, drug and alcohol abuse, and darkness. I'm quite scared by this coming out of me so please let me know what you think?
> 
> Thanks,
> 
> K

**Chapter Ten**

Ignis & Ravus' Apartment - late night

It is quite late and Ignis is cleaning the kitchen when he hears furious hammering on his door, he plucks out his ear phones and frowns. He’s up waiting for Ravus to finish his shift and it’s far too late in the evening for visitors. He crouches low, moving across the room towards the door slowly and carefully; he reaches for the handle just as the door slams open, hitting him full in the face. He cries out and falls backwards, he barely has time to recognise Noctis before the other man is on him. Striking him repeatedly where ever he can reach, screaming unintelligible words in a constant stream. Ignis does his best to block but the blow by the door has taken it’s toll, he tries to shout to Noctis but the other is louder, so full of rage, like a man possessed.

As suddenly the attack started, it stops. Not the noise, Noctis is still shouting as Prompto drags him off Ignis and pins him to the ground. Noctis struggles against the blonde but Prompto holds fast. Ignis coughs and tastes blood, feels it making a sticky trail down the side of his face from his eyebrow and from his cheek. He touches his lip and hisses aloud, that is split too. He looks at Noctis, writhing and twisting under Prompto desperate to get back to Ignis. When he can’t he quietens briefly to draw breath.

“Noctis, wha-”

“You asshole! You fucking prick!” Blue eyes are icy cold with fury as they narrow at Ignis, “I found your letters. What the fuck is wrong with you?! He was my _dad_. He practically raised you. Raised us. Together. You were like a brother to me. How could you do this to me? What’s wrong with you?” Tears leak from his eyes hot and angry as he halfheartedly tries to escape Prompto.

Ignis sinks back against the opposite wall and stares at Noctis, his face starting to swell but the shock is still obvious.

“Noct…” he whispers, “I wanted to tell you… Believe me… Regis…He---”

“Don’t you dare!” Noctis screams over him, “don’t you dare even mention his name. You were nothing to him. He wouldn’t love you. He loved my mom. He loved me, he would never willingly do this to me! He couldn’t. He only used you, you offered yourself and he was so lonely that he accepted. Or he made a mistake and knew you’re too crazy to handle rejection. He didn’t want you to try and off yourself again so he kept you around. You were nothing but a FUCK TOY!” He roars.

“No… n-no.” Ignis stutters, standing slowly.

Noctis laughs cruelly, “please Ignis, it’s obvious. You were always going to guilt him into staying with you. He was lonely and desperate for company. And you… Well, you were just the easiest slut to find.” He spits out and watches as Ignis turns and runs.

 

* * *

 

Ignis doesn’t know where he’s going, he runs as fast as he can down the stairs and into the street. He can’t think straight, all the things he has feared in his darkest moments made real by Noctis’ accusations. His left eye is swollen almost shut and his cheek throbs constantly in time with his pulse, he runs until he winds himself and has to duck into an alley way to raggedly pull air into his lungs. His chest burns and he suspects a fractured rib or two, he spits blood onto the ground in front of him and realises for the first time that everything is out of focus, his glasses have fallen off at some point.

He straightens up and tries to get his bearings, he takes in the neon signs and sounds of laughter and celebration in the streets. He’s in the club district, he remembers it from nights out as a student, he and Regis would never have come here; preferring high class restaurants and hotels. He walks to the nearest bar, flinching away from passers by and their concerned faces; their pity. He enters and immediately picks a stool at the end of the bar drenched in shadow and orders a drink. The bar tender takes in his appearance, “rough night?” She asks quietly.

He nods and swallows thickly, “one of the worst.”

“My name is Rowan,” she tells him, “do you need me to call someone for you?”

“N-no. Thank you. But I just need to sit a while and have a quiet drink.” Ignis replies, “besides, I have a phone...” he checks his pockets and notices that he is actually lying. The phone is probably with the glasses.

“Did someone mug you honey? Take your phone?” Rowan asks, “You still have money?”

Ignis nods, his credit card is always in his pocket, he shows it to Rowan and she smiles at him. “No one mugged me.” He mutters, “I had it coming. But please, I don’t want to talk. Just drink.”

“Sure hon.” She brings him the drink he ordered, vodka double in lime. It’s bitter and sour and it burns, he hisses as it goes down and orders another one to sip at instead.

He wonders if his is how his uncle got started. If his sister, Ignis’ mother, dying had triggered the drinking. The irony sitting steady on his shoulders as he drank and drank and abused his nephew because he reminded him too much of the sister he’d lost. This is something he wouldn’t discuss with Regis, feeling that he would bring down the mood or make the older man pity him. No, these things are kept tightly between himself and Ravus. Ravus who has been his confidant since they met on that door step years ago, who has literally saved his life more than once, who lives with him because he cannot be trusted to live alone. Who loves him unconditionally even though he’s paralyzed by fear whenever he thinks of intimacy. Ignis isn’t stupid. He knows how Ravus feels. He just doesn’t know how he feels. He misses Regis every single second of every single day but Ravus has seen him through.

He shakes his head and downs his drink, unwilling to think on it any more. He orders shots instead and pointedly ignores Rowan’s expression as he downs them one after the other before moving back to his long drinks.

 

* * *

 

Ravus is tired and grumpy and sore, he has worked a long day and really cannot wait just to soak in the bath and unwind as he rides the elevator up to his flat. He wonders if Ignis is still up, he hopes that the other man is; the slighter man has been doing so well with his grief counselling and other therapies that they are almost like they were in the student house all over again, settled and enjoying each others company.

As he nears the front door he feels an odd tingling up his spine, there is light spilling into the hall way and he can hear someone struggling from within his home. _Ignis!_ He runs the last few feet into the living room, ready to attack, to defend, to destroy, to do whatever he needs to do to keep Ignis safe.

Whatever he was expecting it wasn’t this. Prompto Argentum sat astride a struggling Noctis Lucis Caelum, on his living room floor. The door chain is broken and there is a small pool of blood staining the carpet, Ignis’ glasses are next to the pool and Ravus’ heart stops. Prompto gasps and looks at Ravus, “oh thank the Gods, Ravus.”

“What the hell is going on here?!” Ravus yells, confused and frightened. “Where is Ignis?”

“That stupid little whore ran away.”

Ravus’ blood runs cold at Noctis’ statement. He narrows his eyes at the boy, “what did you say?” His voice is low and dangerous, Prompto flinches and looks away.

“I said, he ran AWAY.”

Prompto bursts into tears above Noctis, “please Ravus, I can’t let him up, I can’t let him follow Ignis… He’ll kill him...” He sniffs and Noctis stills, the blonde man’s tears landing on his face seeming to bring him back to himself. The fight leaves him and he takes a great shuddering breath.

“He was fucking my father Ravus, but you know that.”

Ravus ignores Noctis completely, he offers Prompto a hand and pulls the boy up and into his arms. Expressing a practiced patience that he certainly doesn’t feel he soothes Prompto, running skilled hands through the boys wild hair. “Hush Prompto, it’s all right. I just have to know where Ignis is. Please, is he hurt? Is this blood his?”

Prompto nods as Noctis struggles to his feet wearily. He leaves without another word or glance to the others.

“We have to find him Prompto. Will you help me?” Ravus holds the boy at arms length and looks into red rimmed blue eyes. The other nods and wipes his eyes, “I’ll try his phone.” He takes his phone out and calls Ignis, the two of them look round as they hear it in the kitchen.

“Fuck.” Ravus takes out his own phone and calls Jude, he explains as fast as he can and Jude agrees to start a search of his own. “Call Luna,” he tells Prompto, “tell her to come here and wait in case he comes back.”

The two of them head to the streets after ascertaining that Ignis’ car is still in the lot. They split up, deciding on a maximum radius that Ignis could have covered in the time that has passed. Prompto heads east towards the residential streets and the park and Ravus takes west towards the shops and bars with an increasingly sick feeling. He hopes beyond hope that his hunch is wrong.

 

* * *

 

Ignis sways slightly on his stool before bringing both elbows down to the bar to keep himself right, he orders another drink from Rowan and shrugs away her concern. There is some music coming from somewhere and he cocks his head to listen, it’s a song he recognises but cannot place; he stands up to leave, it’s gentle melody is too much to bare. As he turns he collides with a stranger passing by, “oh! I’m sorry.” He mutters, or more slurs if he’s honest with himself.

“My fault entirely,” comes the smooth reply, a voice Ignis recognises instantly, could never forget despite years of trying.

“Pr-Professor Izunia.” Ignis stammers, not daring to look the taller man in the face.

A gentle finger is placed under his chin, tilting his face up; liquid dark eyes meet green and a soft thumb brushes over his bottom lip. “My, my we have been in the wars Ignis. Sit down my boy, let me buy you a drink.”

Ignis sits back on his stool, powerless to disobey and Rowan returns, taking Ardyn’s order and repeating Ignis’ again.

Ardyn looks over to the younger man and clears his throat quietly, “Ignis I… I… never had a chance to tell you how sorry I am for the way things ended between us. The way you made me act that last time was completely out of my control… I regret it so much.”

Ignis blinks blearily at his former professor, the man who had taken his virginity, the man he’d adored and loved with all his heart and soul. The man who’d beaten him and told him that he was worthless.

Or had he? Maybe Ignis had made it all up in his head. The way the man was looking at him, the sad expression, the down cast frame… Perhaps Ignis had done something to make him react the way he had all those years ago. He remembers the sex too. So good, so full filling, _so rough._

“I’m so sorry,” he hears himself purr, reaching out to run a finger along Ardyn’s arm. “If there was any way to make it up to you...”

Ardyn flinches away dramatically, “I don’t know Ignis, I don’t think I can deal with that level of rejection all over again… It left me… Well... Broken.”

Ignis feels his lower lip start to tremble and his eyes prickle uncomfortably, “I… I loved you so much. I never meant to reject you. I thought you had ended it...”

Ardyn grasps his hand suddenly and Ignis realises that he isn’t wearing his ever present gloves. He immediately doesn’t care as Ardyn almost cries out, “oh Ignis, a love as passionate as ours was was always bound to erupt sometimes. We were so entwined with one another, so deeply involved… _So aflame.”_

Ignis gasps aloud as Ardyn takes one of his fingers into his mouth, nipping and sucking the digit. “I could, perhaps, offer you another chance. As much as my head rejects the idea, my heart screams at me to take you where we stand.”

Ardyn’s words plunge straight to Ignis’ groin and he moans aloud as the older man starts to nip and kiss his palm. “P-Please, take me somewhere?” He begs, “I _need_ you. Ardyn I need you to take me somewhere.”

“Calm down my sweet boy,” Ardyn whispers, gently caressing Ignis’ hair. “Take this to settle you.” He pops a pill into Ignis’ agape mouth and kisses him until he swallows. “Good boy.”

Ignis preens and pushes himself neatly into Ardyn’s side like he belongs there. “Take me somewhere, please?”

Ardyn smirks over Ignis’ head and places money on the bar to cover their drinks, Rowan nods her thanks but narrows her eyes suspiciously all the same.

Ignis begins to stumble and giggle as the pill kicks in, Ardyn holds him up and laughs along with him. The boy is as endearing as ever, not as beautiful as he was before but more filled out and with more about him now. There is experience behind the green eyes where naivety once lived.

He has a room close to the bar, and they giggle their way into the bed like teenagers. Ignis flops against the pillows, a broad relaxed grin on his hansom face – aside from the injuries – the pill was a good idea Ardyn thinks. The other effects should be taking hold any time now… Sure enough a satisfyingly large budge is appearing in between the boys legs. He moans wantonly, moving his hands to touch himself, desperate and on the very edge of control.

“Ardyn,” He moans, spreading his legs, “pleeeease. Please take me.”

“In time my sweet boy,” Ardyn purrs back, he moves his hands over the boys body, relishing the responses he gets. The little mews of pleasure, the clenching of hands in sheets. He smugly kisses a line down the boys chest, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes.

Ignis can never remember being this aroused, this needy, this _hard_ in his life. He’s desperate for touch, he aches for it, he squirms and writhes under Ardyn’s painfully slow administrations. He moans loudly, and his eyes fly open, he has never seen anyone or anything as beautiful as the other man. “Oh Gods, Ardyn… You… Ahhh… You are so _beautiful_.” He reaches up and runs his hand over Ardyn’s face, “oh! And you feel so good. How’re you…? How do you feel so good?” Ardyn plants kisses over his jaw and collar bones, feather light and teasing. Ignis cannot take it any more, hooking his leg around Ardyn he flips their positions with surprising ease and grinds down hard, smashing their lips together with equal pressure.

“Ahhh fuck… Ardyn… I need you to fuck me. Please.” He brings his hips down against the others obvious erection and grinds with wild abandon. “I need… Please.”

“Hush, all right my pet.” Ardyn pushes the boy off him, standing them both up, and helps him to remove his pants, he is larger than Ardyn remembers and he hums in approval. He drops to his knees before the boy and kisses his thighs and nestles his face in the fine, ashy hair over Ignis’ pubic bone.

“Nhhh, Ardyn...” The moaning is beautiful in itself and Ardyn smiles as he huffs air over Ignis’ weeping tip. Dipping to lick little trails and kiss his way up the shaft, “good lad,” he murmurs just before he takes the whole organ into his mouth and works with practised ease. Ignis grasps at his hair and strains to control his thrusts, his hair has fallen all over his face and his pupils are blown with lust as he stares down at Ardyn. Their eyes meet and Ardyn offers a wolfish grin around Ignis’ cock, he pulls back and the boy whimpers at the loss.

He stands slowly and moves close, leaning into whisper in the others ear. “Tell me what you want, Scientia.”

Ignis bows his head, breathing erratic, naked, exposed and high. All he wants is to be taken, to be sated, he wants to be _hurt_. He raises his head to look at Ardyn in the eye, green orbs unfocused and blown black, head swimming and heart pounding he says one thing.

“Pain.”

Ardyn doesn’t quite hide his surprise quick enough but he does oblige by forcefully turning Ignis and bending him over the bed. He loosens his belt and snaps it through the loops with a flourish, “hold yourself there, on your hands and present your arse.” He orders, he pushes Ignis’ head down roughly. He smiles cruelly before bringing the belt down viciously striking again and again as red welts form across Ignis’ arse. The boy doesn’t make a sound, doesn’t move just takes it, doesn’t flinch when the blows move to land across his shoulders and back. His erection does not diminish.

Eventually Ardyn’s arm tires and he throws the belt aside, he leans over Ignis’ form and purrs into his ear, “would you like me to take you now boy?”

Ignis lets out a breath, “yes Sir, oh Gods yes… Please.”

“Very well, but I want to hear you. Do you understand? I want you to scream and moan and shout.” He slaps Ignis’ abused arse and grins in delight as the younger man screams and pants. “Good. Now get on the floor. All fours. I want the carpet to burn you.”

Ignis obeys wordlessly, taking up the position as instructed. Ardyn watches him and rips a condom open with his teeth, he puts it on with a few extra strokes and spits into his hand. There will be no need for any more lubricant than that, he doesn’t bother undressing any more than he has to and settles himself behind the willowy man. He offers no warning, just forces himself into the boy up to the hilt. Ignis’ scream along with his tightness almost makes him come there and then. The noise is blood curdling and delicious, the tight, wet heat surrounding him almost too much. Almost. He begins to thrust hard and fast, relishing in the horrific screams and sobs pouring from his boy.

“Yes!” Ignis chants between screams, “harder. Please Sir. Fuck me harder.”

Ardyn leans forwards and reaches between Ignis’ legs to pinch his balls to stop any oncoming orgasm and the boy weeps, screwing his eyes up tight; he can no longer feel the bruises and cuts on his face. With his other hand Ardyn rakes his nails over the welts and cuts on the boys back.

“Nnnhh.” Ignis arches up to meet him, changing Ardyn’s angle to hit his prostate with each thrust. “Gods. Sir… Please. Oh Gods. Fuck. Me. Harder.” He demands. Ardyn thrusts begin to come more and more erratic and ill timed as he nears completion. He releases Ignis’ balls and moans low in his throat as he drains himself into the boy, Ignis comes seconds later, sobbing and sweating and screaming. It feels so good to hurt so much. For the first time in six months, he feels alive. Ardyn lets his full weight settle on Ignis and the slighter man slides down into the carpet, burning his legs on the way down and the buttons on Ardyn’s clothes scratching at his thoroughly abused back.

 

* * *

 

 

Ravus is growing desperate and more frustrated with every passing second, he is going from bar to bar along the club district. Trying to convey to bar tenders and doorman over pulsing music and loud patrons the urgency of his search. Squeezing himself through crowds of people that either want to dance with him, touch him, kiss him or punch him is his worst nightmare and only his determination to find Ignis is driving him to carry on. He approaches the door of one of the smaller bars on the edge of town, it is not as full as any of the others and very poorly lit. There is also no security on the door, he walks over the threshold and to his relief there is only quiet music drifting through concealed speakers. The barman looks up at him as he approaches and smiles seductively, he pulls up a stool and waits for her to approach.

“Hey sugar, I’m Rowan, what can I get you tonight?” She purrs at him, blinking impossibly long eyelashes slowly.

“I’m looking for someone,” he replies quickly, somewhat sharply and she immediately looks defensive. “I’m sorry, it’s just my friend is missing and he’s ill and hurt and I’m so so scared of what he might do!” He lets out in a rush, hysteria creeping up as he tries to hold himself together and banish images of Ignis’ dead body from his head. He pulls out his phone and shows Rowan Ignis’ facebook page, taking a few steadying breaths to try and calm himself while she looks at it.

“I can tell you didn’t do it, but he was hurt before he got here. Are you his boyfriend?” She asks him softly, handing back his phone with a sigh.

“You’ve seen him? Please, where did he go?” His heart is in his throat as she regards him sadly.

“He left honey, hours ago. With a guy I’ve seen in here a few times but who never engages with me like the others do. I think your friend referred to him as a Professor? They seemed to know each other pretty damn well.” She reaches to touch him and he jerks back, swallowing compulsively and screwing up his eyes.

“Where did they go?” He grinds out slowly through gritted teeth.

“He, the professor, mentioned having a room nearby… Also, you should know… I think I saw him give your friend a pill...”

Her voice grows fainter, further away as Ravus turns away from the bar, everything blurs and his feet carry him out back onto the street. He turns into the ally next door and snaps, he screams aloud and curses and punches the wall over and over and over again with both hands, tearing flesh and damaging his prosthetic in equal measure.

 

* * *

 

Ignis lays face down on the floor panting for what seems like hours, until reality starts to creep back in, slowly at first as he comes down from his forced high but then faster; ripping through his mind like a freight train. He starts to shake and shiver under Ardyn, muscles twitching as his brain tries to compensate for the abuse his body has suffered; he is dimly aware that he is going into shock but the over riding thought he can process is that he wants, and needs, to leave. He shifts slightly, feeling Ardyn slip from him and winces in disgust; he braces himself and pushes his body upwards, toppling the older man who simply grunts and sleeps on. Ignis dresses as quickly as he can as quietly as he can and slips from the room, once in the corridor he limps to the nearest fire exit and pops the door.

It takes a while to get his bearings but he soon figures out that he isn’t far from the park near his house, between there are the club district. He turns towards the park and pulls his thin shirt as close as he can around his lithe form, its cold and his breath puffs out in front of him in clouds. He wanted pain and he hurts all over, he feels numb emotionally and just wants to be home so he puts his head down and starts to walk through the park as quick as he can; he might warm up if he can walk fast enough but each step is agony. He can feel blood trickling down the inside of his legs and he keeps tripping over his feet; he’s not sober by any means though the high has worn off. Eventually he stops to rest on a bench, he leans forward because he cannot bear pressure on his back and holds his head in his hands. He thinks of nothing and does nothing.

 

* * *

 

Prompto walks briskly through the park, it’s cold out and he wishes he’d thought to bring a jacket. He is concentrating hard on looking for Ignis, making sure not to let his mind wander back to Noctis, to Regis or anything else for that matter. He wishes Gladio were here instead of away with his family, he would’ve been able to contain Noct while they found an explanation or diffused the situation or whatever. He’s stopped crying now but only because he’s run out of tears to shed, he hopes that if he’s the one to find Ignis maybe the other man will forgive him for not managing to stop Noct sooner. He looks out over the lake and notices a figure stumble towards a bench on the opposite shore, he squints but cannot make out the figure but he feels something in his gut and breaks into a run.

“Ignis!” He shouts as he runs towards the bench, the figure doesn’t look up from where he sits, head in hands. He reaches the bench and cries out in shock, recognising Ignis’ clothes and hair, he drops to his knees in front of the other man.

“Ignis!” He cries again, reaching up to move Ignis’ hands away from his face; when he does Ignis falls forwards and Prompto catches him quickly. “Ignis can you hear me?!” He hears a low moan and takes is as an affirmative before lifting the other man up and laying him on his side on the bench awkwardly. He keeps on hand on his friend’s side while reaching for his phone, Ignis blinks at him passively and obediently moves his feet up onto the bench as well. He dials Ravus with one hand but the phone rings out to voicemail, “I found him, in the park, I’m calling an ambulance. Call me back.”

He doesn’t take his hand from Ignis while he calls the ambulance, he tries his best to describe the situation and begs the operator to send help quickly. They tell him to keep talking to Ignis so he puts the phone to one side and starts talking.

“Ignis, can you hear me?” He asks quietly, moving his hand up and down the other man’s side. Ignis blinks slowly at him and offers an almost invisible nod.

“Hello Prompto,” he whispers, his voice rough, “’m tired.”

“I know, it’s late. But the lady on the phone said that you need to stay awake okay? Can you sit up if I help you?”

Ignis sighs irritably but does start to move, he winces and hisses out in pain. Prompto moves with him and sits beside him on the bench with an arm tightly wrapped around the taller man’s arm.

“What’s happened tonight Ignis? What happened after you left?” He asks because it is the easiest thing, the most obvious thing, to ask but dreads the answer all the same.

“I forgot my glasses and my phone and my gloves,” Ignis slurs at him, leaning against his side heavily, “but I had my credit card so the lady let me drink a lot.” Prompto notices that he is trying unconsciously to hide his hands up his shirt sleeves so strips off his own gloves and hands them over.

“Here, they’ll be a bit small...” He blushes as he realises that Ignis has focused on him entirely and that the other man’s lips are quaking and his eyes have taken on an unnatural shine. He pulls on the gloves and moves to embrace Prompto, bringing the smaller man in against his side and hiding his face in the blonde hair on top of his head.

“T-thank you Prompto,” he mutters, and holds on like Prompto is his life line in rough seas. He closes his eyes and relaxes into the embrace until the blonde man starts to squirm.

“Ignis you have to stay awake!” He cries out, wriggling out of the embrace and looking into Ignis’ bruised and bloody face, “come on Specs, I need you to stay with me.”


	11. Desperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravus loses control over the idea of losing Ignis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blood alcohol level of 0.250% = extremely high amount/alcohol poisoning.  
> Methylenedioxy-methylamphetamine = MDMA, ecstasy, Molly etc.  
> Rohypnol = Date rape drug.
> 
> From the above definitions I think you can tell what's coming but warning - dark themes including rape and suicide attempts.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading,
> 
> K

**Chapter Eleven**

Present

_ Ravus & Ignis’ student house – Three years ago _

 

Ravus is in a state of complete meltdown, he cannot stop physically lashing out at various things in the alley way. Occasionally a passer by will look down in his direction but no one intervenes, fortunately for them. Anyone approaching him now runs the risk of being mistaken for Professor fucking Izunia and ripped apart limb from limb. He can’t take hold of his emotions and can’t calm down, all he can see is red and is only slightly aware of the noises he is making.

Last time Ignis saw Izunia he tried to kill himself. Ignis is with Izunia. Ignis is going to die. Ignis is with Izunia. Ravus doesn’t know where they are. Izunia has given Ignis a pill. Ignis is going to die. Ignis is going to die.

Ravus doesn’t even realise that his arm has malfunctioned from all the abuse and has completely stopped working, it hangs limp and heavy at his side.

**Ignis is going to die.**

 

* * *

 

  _It takes a very long time for Ignis to stop crying in his arms and Ravus is incredibly cold by the time the other man finally rasps out, “I’m sorry.” And Ravus just holds him tighter before suggesting that he settle Ignis under the covers to get some rest._

_The reaction is immediate, Igins grips his shoulders with almost impossible strength and stares at him with wild green eyes._

“ _Don’t leave me! Please Ravus, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m frightened.”_

_Ravus doesn’t admit that he’s frightened too. He’s petrified. The adrenaline has worn off entirely and he’s struggling to keep from losing control over his emotions; seeing Ignis like that – thinking for one tiny moment that he’d lost him forever._

“ _Can you talk to me about it?” He says quietly, settling Ignis under the covers and laying on top of them next to him. He can’t get into the bed with Ignis, he’s too raw._

“ _I… I…” Ignis tries several times to start, his voice is almost gone and he’s forced to whisper. “I’ve been seeing someone.”_

_Ravus feels his heart splinter, he’s been fooling himself for months that he and Ignis had some sort relationship; the only sort of relationship he can ever be in anyway. Close enough to touch sometimes but never going any further, sharing everything (or so he thought) and spending time together. He closes his eyes as Ignis continues._

“ _I couldn’t tell you. I wanted to but he told me that I couldn’t tell anyone.” He sniffs and turns onto this side to face Ravus, the other still has his eyes shut and starts violently when Ignis puts an arm over his chest and snuggles into his ribs like he belongs there._

_His eyes fly open and he works hard to control his breathing, forcing out the question._

“ _Who is he Ignis?”_

 “ _I lost my virginity to him and he was so nice, so loving. I told him everything about my past; about my mental health, he was so supportive. Oh Gods Ravus! His name is Ardyn Izunia; he’s one of my professors!” Tears start to well up again and as much as every fibre of his being screams to Ravus to pull away he simply can’t, nor can he properly hide his rage._

" _I… I thought he loved me.” Ignis chokes out, “He said he never did. He… He left me Ravus. He hurt me and he left me.” He hides his face in the covers and shakes with suppressed sobs._

  _He holds Ignis close to whisper in his ear, “I’ll never leave you Ignis – I swear to you that I’ll keep you safe.”_

 

* * *

 

Luna hears her brother way before she sees him, in fact she cannot see him at all. She follows the noise to an alley way between two pubs, Ravus is obscured by the shadows but she can see the movements he is making, punching and kicking at the walls. He is alternatively screaming and muttering to himself; Luna recognises the meltdown for what it is, what their mother calls the red mist descended. She knows that Ravus can no more get himself under control right now than fly, she walks a little way into the alley but stays out of range of Ravus’ violence. She can hear what he is saying now, over and over in a strange mixture of English and Latin.

“Ignis is going to die. Ignis is going to die. Izunia is going kill him. Ignis est usque ad mortem. Id est mea culpa. Id est mea culpa. It’s all my fault. Ignis is going to die.”

“Ravus.” Luna calls, “Ravus can you hear me?”

He stills and for a moment seems to be listening, Luna takes half a step forward before he screams out, “Ignis is going to die!” And hits the wall so hard with his prosthetic arm that it fails.

“Ravus.” Luna shouts this time, “Ravus, Ignis is in the hospital. He needs you.”

Ravus stops and turns to face her, eyes blank and breathing hard. He doesn’t recognise her yet but the mist is receding, he just stares straight ahead. She moves closer and looks up into his mismatched eyes, trying to find him. She watches the moment that he returns, the flicker of recognition turning into desperation.

“Lunafreya?” He croaks, “Ignis… He’s with Izunia. I don’t know where but he’s going to die I just know and it’s my fault and I can’t lose him.” He starts to hyperventilate so Luna slaps him as hard as she can.

“Ravus! Prompto found Ignis, he’s alive, he’s not with Izunia. He’s in the hospital and he needs you to get it together!” She doesn’t shout but she speaks firmly and sharply. It has the desired effect however as Ravus shakes his head hard and reigns himself in, the control he is known for returning. He looks down at his sister and tries to pull her into his arms only to have the prosthetic fail to move, it is so heavy on his residual limb and he knows it is completely broken. “Take it off Ravus, it will hurt to leave it on.” Luna tells him softly, helping him out of their fathers coat; she is the only person in the world that he will allow to assist him to take off his clothes and it breaks her heart.

He won’t meet her eyes as he removes his shirt and under tee, he quickly and efficiently uncouples the prosthetic and she doesn’t say a word as she helps him redress, tucking his empty coat sleeve into the pocket to disguise the missing arm. “Come, we need to get to the hospital. Ignis needs you.”

Luna takes his hand and leads him back to the main strip. They get into a taxi and Ravus finally catches up with what Luna has been telling him.

“Prompto found him?” He asks quietly.

“Yes, in the park. He tried to call you first, then called an ambulance.” Luna explains, and he reaches for his forgotten phone; so many missed calls and voice mails. He almost vomits with the guilt.

“I’ve failed completely.” He says and then will not speak any more.

 

* * *

 

Ravus is out of the taxi before it has completely stopped leaving Luna to pay the fare, he runs into the main entrance and through to A&E. “Ignis Scientia.” He gasps at a nurse, “brought in earlier. Please.”

“Are you a relative?” She asks, and he just nods, “come with me.” She leads him into a relatives room to the side where Prompto is pacing, “I’ll go and get a Doctor for you.” Ravus just nods mutely again and she shuts the door quietly. The door opens again but it’s just Luna who goes to give Prompto a hug.

“Are you alright Prompto?” She asks, pulling him to sit with her and allowing Ravus to take over pacing.

The blond nods and then shakes his head, “no one will tell me anything. He started freaking out in the ambulance on the way here ‘cos they tried to remove his shirt. He passed out pretty quickly though… They tried not to let me see but he’s so bruised, and he’s got marks all over him… I don’t think Noctis did all of it.” Prompto lets his head fall into his hands, “I just feel so guilty. I should have been faster, or stronger, just… I really let him down.”

Luna rubs his back soothingly, “hush Prompto, it’s okay. You found him. You got him here. Now we just have to wait for the doctors to let us know how he is.” She glances over to Ravus, who is staring at the floor and pacing.

The door opens again and a red headed man about forty enters, he looks at all of them in turn, a spark of recognition reaching crimson eyes at Ravus. “Doctor Nox Fleuret.” He states, moving towards Ravus, “it’s been a long time. I take it you are here for Ignis?”

Ravus nods, relieved that it is Doctor Aurion attending, the man is an excellent Doctor and lecturer.

Aurion takes a breath, “Ignis’ condition is stable. He’s sleeping now. You are down as his next of kin Doctor Nox---”

“Call me Ravus, please. Can my sister and Prompto see him now? Then they can go home. It’s been a long night.” He looks into Luna’s eyes and sees her instantly understand his intention. Get Prompto home but let him see Ignis first, don’t let him hear the extent of the damage.

“Of course, go left out of here and straight down to the nurses station. They’ll let you in to see him.” He opens the door for Luna and Prompto, pointing to the nurses station.

“Right. Doc… Ravus. Please sit.” He says wearily. “I need you to stay calm and focused while I explain the extent of Ignis’ injuries to you okay? I do have to warn you that I will defend myself if necessary. Do you understand? I’m telling you this because you are Ignis’ next of kin on paper and I see that you care for him very much.”

Ravus sits and nods. A feeling of dread firmly setting in, he knows why Aurion is warning him about having to defend himself. The older man is going to relay information that could make him lose control. He needs to hold together. For Ignis.

“Ignis has a blood alcohol level of 0.250%, he has traces of methylenedioxy-methylamphetamine and rohypnol in his system. He has severe rectal trauma but we cannot ascertain if it is from rape at this time, Ignis is not in a position to tell us, so we’ve performed a rape kit as a precaution. He has a fractured cheek bone and two cracked ribs; his buttocks, back and shoulders have been whipped and or flogged by what looks like a belt by the welts and cuts covering the areas. Again, we don’t know if these were inflicted as part of a sexual act, either with or without consent. From his medical records we’ve been able to counteract the negative side effects from his medication mixing with all the other chemicals in his bloodstream by detoxing him so he is in for a rough couple of days. We’ve had a few violent out bursts in the ambulance and while cleaning his wounds. We did have to restrain him earlier, we considered sedating him but he is sleeping now. I think you need to come see him hm?”

Ravus is shaking with rage and pain but he manages to rein it in, he appreciates Aurion not sugar coating anything, or omitting anything. He nods and stands, letting out a breath and rolling his shoulders. Aurion gives him a small half smile of approval and leads him straight to Ignis.

They pass Luna and Prompto on the way, they are going back to Luna’s house and will contact Ravus in the morning. Luna kisses his cheek and tells him to be strong, Prompto offers a very watery smile.

Aurion opens the door for him to Ignis’ room, and tells him to stay as long as he likes. Ignis has been positioned on his side, Ravus can see the restraints tucked into the sides of the bed ready to be used again. He sinks into the chair by Ignis and moves to stroke the other man’s hair, the reaction scares him.

“Don’t touch me!” Ignis hisses at him, “you’ll never touch me again!”

“Ignis?” He asks quietly, heart breaking.

“Wait… Ravus?” Ignis moves his head and blearily tries to focus on Ravus. “Ravus! You have to get me out of here. Please. They’re trying to kill me. Please help me Ravus.”

He starts to try and get out of bed but gets tangled in the mess of sheets and wires and uncooperative limbs. “You can’t keep me here!” He shouts to no one, “let me go!”

“Ignis. Ignis look at me.” He demands, “no one is trying to kill you. You are detoxing right now and I know it’s scary but I need you to trust me. I’m here and I’m not going to let anyone hurt you but if you continue to try to leave I will have to restrain you for your own safety.” Ignis stills at his words and appears to be listening so he continues, “I’m going to take care of you, as a doctor and your friend.”

He untangles Ignis from his blankets and lays them over him again one handed, Ignis has already passed out from the small amount of exertion.

 

* * *

 

Aurion knocks on the door as Ravus sits heavily back in the chair and runs his hand over his face.

“I heard him. You did well there.”

Ravus looks at the other Doctor wearily, “I want him discharged into my care.”

“I thought you’d say that. I’m not unwilling to consider it. But not tonight. Tonight you are going to leave him in my, very capable, care while you go home and get some sleep.”Ravus opens his mouth to protest but Aurion holds up his hand and cuts him off. “But before even that, you are going to let me look at that mess of a hand.”

Ravus doesn’t even have it in him to protest as the older man takes his hand and examines the extent of the damage. He pulls out each finger in turn and checks the knuckles, they are incredibly scratched and bloody but he can see no evidence of fractures. He tells the other man how lucky he is not to have caused further damage and knows that going home is hard but if he is to discharge Ignis into his care he needs to see Ravus rested and capable.

Ignis doesn’t stir as Ravus presses a kiss to his hair and promises to be back tomorrow, Aurion turns and leaves to give them privacy.

“I’m coming back soon Ignis, I promise… I...” His throat closes and he can’t force any more words out. He turns and follows Aurion from the room before he can change his mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ignis fights through the fog and wakes up. 
> 
> Ravus falls.

** Chapter Twelve **

_ Ignis' & Ravus' Apartment - Two years earlier _

 

_Regis knocks on the doorway of the kitchen quietly, smiling as Ignis turns towards him; the taller man dries his hands and pulls on his gloves._

“ _Dinner was wonderful as always, Ignis.” He says softly, “thank you.”_

_Ignis shrugs modestly, “it was really nothing, but you’re welcome none the less. Can I get you anything else?”_

“ _No, I actually wanted to ask you what you would like for your birthday…” He trails off as the other looks to the floor, he looks like he’s having some internal argument with himself. When he looks up the intelligent green eyes are blazing, he moves behind Regis and shuts the kitchen door before pinning the older man against it gently, using his taller frame to hold Regis still by his shoulders._

“ _You know already.” He breathes in Regis’ ear, forcing a shiver down his spine, he tries to look away but the green eyes are captivating. “Please, just once… Let me show you what we could be?”_

“ _Ignis… I...” He takes a deep shuddering breath, he licks his lips and clears his throat. “I practically raised you. It wouldn’t be right. You know that.”_

“ _I raised **myself** Regis. I was forced to be an adult long before I met you.” Ignis is speaking quietly but quickly, aware of the others in the next room, knowing time is short. “I see the way you look at me, I know you want this too.”_

_Regis screws his eyes tight shut and nearly jumps out of his skin when smooth lips press against his own. His eyes fly open as Ignis withdraws again, letting go of his shoulders and taking a step back. He doesn’t allow himself time to think or consider his actions before he surges forwards and kisses Ignis with gusto, they part their lips as one and their tongues battle for dominance. Teeth clash and hands run through hair as they hold each other tightly, they part panting and Regis tears himself out of the embrace. His eyes are wide and he raises his hand to his lips in horror, he shakes his head and backs into the door. He turns and opens it, glancing back at Ignis once more before he flees._

_Ignis is shaking all over but he cannot help but allow a small smile to spread over his face. He gives himself thirty seconds before heading back into the lounge to his friends._

 

“ _Ignis,” Noctis turns in his seat to look at his friend, “where did dad go?”_

“ _He came into the kitchen to thank me for dinner, or at least I think he did. But he got a call and said to pass on his goodbyes.” Ignis surprises himself by how easily he lies but decides just this once to ignore the guilt._

“ _So what are we doing for your birthday Iggy?” Gladio asks, “it’s a big one.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively._

“ _Oh please Gladio, I’m only going to be twenty five, it’s not a big one at all.” He rolls his eyes and settles himself in a chair across from his friends._

“ _Yeah, Gladio, lets face it. Specs has been forty three all his life. A quarter of a century is nothing.” Noct sticks his tongue out and dodges the pillow that Ignis throws at him._

 

* * *

 

Ignis is acutely aware that he is not in his own bed when he wakes up, he can hear voices but everything is blurry and unfocused. He tries to roll over towards the voices but strong hands clamp down on his hip and his shoulder, pinning him on his side; at the contact he lashes out, foot connecting with something soft. He hears a low grunt and the hands on his hip loosen their grip, someone shouts something and more sets of hands are on him. He tries to fight them off as best he can before he feels a sharp scratch in his hand and everything goes dark.

The next time he wakes up he cannot move, his hands are tied in front of him and his legs are strapped down; there is a strap across his hips and one binding his chest. He lets out a low moan in despair and tries to free himself without success, his heart pounding and face screwed up in fear. He is shaking and trying not to cry when he hears footsteps approaching; green eyes fly open and he drags air into his lungs through his teeth.

“Ignis! Ignis it’s all right. I’m here. You’re safe.”

There is a gentle hand in his hair and his glasses are pushed onto his face; he blinks a few times, pulling Ravus’ face into focus. The mismatched eyes are full of concern and white hair has been haphazardly scraped back into a ponytail, a look Ignis has never seen in the years that they have known each other.

“Ignis,” Ravus murmurs, his voice sounds different to Ignis; it sounds rough and damaged, like the other man has been stripped bare and can’t rebuild. He strokes Ignis hair and looks into his eyes, “Ignis, I’m so sorry.” His lips tremble and he drops his head onto the side of the bed next to Ignis’ bound hands and weeps. Ignis strains his hands against the bonds, wanting to comfort Ravus, needing to touch him and reassure him.

He’s never seen Ravus look so vulnerable or so small. Suddenly nothing else matters to him other than his friend, something clicks within him and all the trauma he has suffered over the past year falls away. It’s not gone, it will rear it’s head again – he’s certain of it – but for now his overwhelming instinct is to care for Ravus. To shrug off his injuries, his pain and his fears; to put aside his ever present grief for Regis as he’s sure the older man would have wanted, and restore Ravus to the man he should be. He wants to guide Ravus through his fear of being touched, help him build tolerance for intimacy and enable him to live his life without his phobias building walls between himself and any potential relationships. To give him a chance to have something – _anything_ – like what he and Regis had.

The door opens again and Jude walks in, he looks down at Ravus and his amber eyes fill with sadness. He drops a hand onto the white haired man’s shoulder before walking around the bed to remove Ignis’ straps. He bends his head close to Ignis’ and breathes into his ear,

“I’m so sorry this happened to you Ignis. Can I trust you to be calm? I know it’s a lot to ask...”

“I’m alright now Jude.” He croaks back. “Thank you.”

Jude smiles tightly at him and moves to leave, as he passes the end of Ignis’ bed he pauses at the patient notes there; he takes them with him at Ignis’ nod of consent.

 

* * *

 

Ravus drops his head onto the mattress because he can’t contain himself any more, he has spent the last few days at home at Aurion’s insistence. The doctor in him knowing that he would be more of a hinderence than help to Ignis in his detoxing and fevered state. The other man barely regaining consciousness, fighting staff every time his wounds were examined or dressings changed. Competely unaware of Ravus’ presence, Ignis had shouted and screamed for him even as he clung tightly to his hands. He's also screamed for Regis.

Aurion had sent him away to rest but his sleep has been broken and full of nightmares of Ignis’ lifeless body, Ignis being raped, Ignis being abused and fighting to get him but always unable to move. He’s been drifting around their apartment listlessly, picking things up and putting them down again, barely interacting with Luna when she’s come to check up on him. He’s so tired, so sad and so angry with himself that he knows he won’t be allowed to have Ignis discharged to his care, knows that Aurion will take one look at him and decide he is not fit. He can hear Ignis straining at the straps on his wrists and can’t bare to look up and see his friend struggling.

The door opens and he doesn’t even lift his head to acknowledge whom ever it is, he does jolt when he feels a hand on his shoulder but is past caring about being touched. He keeps his face pressed into Ignis’ bedding as the foot steps head around the bed to the other side, it’s a little while until they leave again. He feels the bed shift and peers up at Ignis; the slight man is sitting up slowly, wincing as he goes and rubbing his arms and legs where the straps have been. He shifts over as far as he can in the bed and pats the space next to him, Ravus shrugs off his coat and folds it over the chair before clambering up next to Ignis. They are far too big to share a single bed but Ignis pulls him into his chest and loops their legs together, he unties Ravus’ hair and strokes his long fingers through it. Ravus lets out a long breath and clings onto Ignis, letting himself melt into the embrace; possibly for the first time in his life and lets himself be held.


	13. Home Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ignis pulls himself together as Ravus starts to tear at the seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the wait, it's been a busy time. Please note that the tags have changed and although this chapter contains no warnings, it's going to get a lot darker before it gets lighter.

**Chapter Thirteen**

 

Ignis wrinkles his nose at the stale smell of his apartment was he steps over the threshold. There is a small blood stain on the carpet where the door hit him in the face – Ravus obviously hasn’t found the right cleaning materials in his absence. He steps over it for now and heads toward the sofa, limping slightly, he sits with a wince and marvels at how good it feels to be home.

“Do you want some coffee?” Ravus asks quietly, heading into the kitchen, his back to Ignis. His shoulders are tense like he’s ready for an attack, he has barely spoken to Ignis since waking up next to him in his hospital bed nor has he looked him in the eye – even when Dr. Aurion discharged him.

 “Please.” He replies, rubbing his hands over his face and feeling stubble on his too thin face. “I’m going to have a quick shower and shave. Can I run you a bath?” He asks.

 “No.” The reply is blunt, harsh and severe. Ignis wonders how one syllable can convey so much as he stands and heads into the bathroom, his face is still bruised – ugly colours – but his eyes are brighter than they’ve been in a long time. Alive behind his glasses, he offers himself a tiny smile and climbs into the shower.

 He turns off the water after only a few minutes and shaves quickly, knowing that his coffee will be getting cold and his house mate even more so.

 

* * *

 

Ravus paces the room while Ignis is in the shower, getting himself into more and more of a state as he waits. He’s been haunted by nightmares while Ignis has been away, the rape seeming to set something off that has otherwise laid dormant in his memories.

He dreams of what he thinks is Ignis being attacked until the end when he realises that he’s actually watching an assault on a young boy – he never gets to see the boy’s face but wakes up in cold sweat. Twice he’s woken up in his bathroom, and once halfway through trashing his own bedroom. He’s frightened about what is happening to him and terrified about what may or may not have happened to Ignis.

He needs answers, and because it’s easier than introspection, he needs Ignis’ answers. He has to know what happened that night, he has to understand why Ignis would go with Izunia when the last time he’d seen the man had very nearly cost him his life. Why Izunia is who Ignis turned to for comfort and not him.

Old rage resurfaces about how Ignis could’ve kept his affair with his professor from him, how Ignis could’ve chosen that relationship over theirs. Essentially, as Ravus still sometimes feels in his darkest moments, that Ingis chose sex over him. Then he hates himself for his stupid phobia that he can’t control or fully understand, he hates that he’s not man enough for Ignis – for anyone.

He sits on the sofa to wait, a muscle twitching in his jaw.

 

* * *

 

True enough Ignis finds that Ravus is sat stiffly on the sofa, staring straight ahead, his tea untouched on the table. Ignis sits in one of the arm chairs opposite him gingerly and is sure he sees Ravus wince in sympathy.

“It’s so good to be home.” He says with a sigh, picking up his coffee and relaxing back in his chair. Ravus doesn’t say anything and Ignis can almost feel waves of rage rolling off his housemate, a storm is coming. Ravus is tired, and probably emotional and definitely angry but at whom Ignis is not sure. He is certain that he will find out in the not too distant future however, and therefore pressing on until Ravus is ready to reveal all is probably the best plan. “I’ll cook something tonight hm?”

He gets no response so takes his empty mug and stands up, intending to see what supplies they have in while it’s still early enough to head to the shops if need be.

“Sit. Down.” Ravus’ voice is so so cold and Ignis feels fear shoot up his spine, he can only think of Ardyn and narrows his eyes dangerously in response. He turns to face the other man in defiance and remains standing, crossing his arms tightly over his chest.

“I think I’ll stand.” He says, his voice far calmer than he feels. His stomach is churning and he can feel his palms sweating under his gloves, he looks down at Ravus expectantly. “Is there something you feel that we need to discuss Ravus?”

Ravus’ face twists into an ugly, stretched thin, smile and he claws his fingers through he hair. Ignis notes that his hand is shaking, he starts counting to ten in Latin in his head; one of them needs to stay calm and in control. He waits.

“You almost _died_ ” Ravus hisses, he grabs fistfuls of his hair and pulls his head backwards so that he’s glaring at the ceiling, “ _he_ could have killed you.”

“Ravus-”

“YOU ALMOST DIED!” Ravus screams as he leaps up and flips the coffee table over, his tea flies everywhere, he lashes out with his feet and kicks the all ready downed table across the room. “YOU WENT WITH HIM WILLINGLY AND HE ALMOST KILLED YOU!”

“Ravus-”

“No! You went with him willingly Ignis. Why would you do that?” Ravus pants, his face red and eyes wide but dry. “I have to understand.”

Ignis looks at the floor, he takes a deep breath and starts to try and organise his thoughts; he jumps when he feels Ravus grab his shoulders.

“Why? Why would you go with him?” Ravus bows his head, speaking so quietly that Ignis almost can’t hear him. "After everything that he did to you?"

“Ravus,” he says, laying his hands over the other mans, “I’m sorry.”

“Did he rape you?” It’s barely asked, barely breathed out into the room; _that_ question. The first thing that he had been asked upon regaining consciousness in the hospital, well as soon as he was lucid enough to answer, will haunt him forever.

“ _Mr Scientia, please be honest. We have to ask this. Have you been sexually assaulted?”_

He looks at the top of Ravus’ head and tells him the same thing that he told the hospital staff.

“No.” He uses the same tone he used with the hospital staff too, a tone that leaves no room for further questions, no more discussion is to be had.

He doesn’t have time to catch Ravus as he slumps to his knees in front of him, breathing harsh and uneven. The white haired man wraps his arms around himself and moans, rocking back and forth until he starts to retch.

Ignis is at a loss. He knows that touching Ravus has a high chance of making him worst so he tries speaking to him instead, trying to use his voice as a balm to sooth the other man.

“It’s all right Ravus, calm down now. I’m all right. We’re okay, hush now. It’s all okay. Can you look at me Ravus? Can I hold you?”

Ravus fixes him with mismatched eyes, they are dry but red and exhausted. Dark rings surround them and stand out starkly against deathly pale skin, he shakes his head firmly.

“I’m so tired Ignis.” He rasps out. “I don’t...I can’t...”

“It’s okay Ravus,” Ignis says softly, “come with me and get into bed.”

Ignis goes into Ravus’ room and if he didn’t know better he’d think that a live animal had been kept in there while he was in hospital. The bed sheets have been torn off and book shelves tipped onto the floor. Trinkets scattered everywhere, picture frames broken and half full cold coffee mugs litter the space. He steps back out smartly and closes the door behind him. He nearly bumps into Ravus who has crept up behind him, he takes the other man’s hand very slowly giving him plenty of time to pull away; when he doesn’t he leads him to his bedroom instead which is as pristine as he left it.

Ravus hovers on the threshold as Ignis switches the lights on low and pulls back the covers, he steps back and gestures for Ravus to come in, he sits the other man on the edge of his bed and turns to find him something to sleep in. He finds an old shirt and some sweat pants and hands them to Ravus silently, turning away to give the other man some privacy until he hears the telltale shuffle of the sheets. Ignis turns back and pulls the covers up to Ravus’ chin, the other man snuggles down into Ignis’ bed and peers up into his green eyes.

“’m sorry ‘nis.” He whispers, “’m tired.”

“I know Ravus, it’s all right.” He strokes white hair back off Ravus’ forehead, “get some sleep.”

Ravus closes his eyes obediently and snuggles into the pillows as Ignis dims the lights further. He steps out of the room but leaves the door ajar, he settles himself on the couch but grows restless after a short while. He was idle for what felt like so long in the hospital he needs to do something and has oft found that a tidy house offers a tidy mind. He rights the coffee table and cleans up the spilled tea, he scrubs the blood stain on the floor and leaves it to soak in carpet cleaner. Then he goes to tackle Ravus’ room.

He starts with the coffee cups, he finds seventeen. He loads the dishwasher and grabs a bin bag, he collects up all the broken objects including shards of glass; he doesn’t have the slightest inclination to hurt himself. He strips the bed and cleans the bathroom, rights the bookshelves and is putting the books back when he hears a low moan from his room. He ignores it for the moment and continues returning the books to their proper place until he feels his phone buzz in his pocket, reminding him to take his medication.

He goes back into the living room and pulls the pre-prepared medication box out. With Ravus sleeping there is no one to supervise him so he takes a quick video of himself popping the pills from the box and taking them with water as instructed and sends it to Jude with the caption ‘Ravus is sleeping’. He doesn’t get a response but does get a delivery report so starts back into Ravus’ room, he stops when he hears another moan from his bedroom and decides to check on Ravus first.

The other man is laying face down in his bed, moaning and gently thrusting into the mattress, clearly in the middle of a very pleasant dream. Ignis feels his face heat with a blush as he quickly turns away, closing the door silently behind him and resolutely returning to his cleaning. He puts his earphones in and loses himself in his tasks, he jumps when Ravus darts through the kitchen holding what looks like all of Ignis’ bed sheets. He removes the earphones and follows cautiously into the laundry room.

“Ravus?” He asks softly, “what are you doing?”

“Nothing!” Ravus cries out, slamming the washer closed and it starts up immediately. He pushes past Ignis and heads back through the kitchen and into the lounge before he stops suddenly and Ignis realises that his housemate is sleep walking in a fashion. Ravus sways on his feet and Ignis only just catches him as he tumbles over, the shorter man uses a controlled fall to put Ravus on the couch; the mismatched eyes are open but unseeing.

“Ravus, can you hear me?” He kneels on the floor beside the couch and gently touches Ravus’ hand, he’s a little concerned when the other doesn’t pull it away. Though, he muses, Ravus seems to have been accepting little touches since they slept together in Ignis’ hospital bed even if he wouldn’t allow Ignis to hold him earlier. He receives no response so goes to put fresh bedding on his bed, Ravus’ room still has broken glass on the floor and will do until Ignis can vacuum – he’s not one to be inconsiderate to the neighbours at this time in the evening. He’s quick about it and soon guides Ravus back to his bed, climbing in beside the other man he resolves to ask him about his strange behavior in the morning.

 

 

 


	14. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravus' memories of a dark time raise their ugly heads.  
> Ignis' memories move him to pay a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!  
> CONTAINS CHILD MOLESTATION/SEXUAL ASSAULT ON A CHILD
> 
> This chapter is dark. I've put the horrible child abuse in one chapter because it makes me uncomfortable and I wanted to get it out of the way.

**Chapter Fourteen - Memories**

_Ravus' Childhood Home - aged 13_

Ignis & Ravus' Apartment

_Regis home - Three years earlier_

Regis' grave

_ Ravus' Childhood home - aged 13 _

 

* * *

 

 

_Ravus moans throatily as his cock is taken into his favorite actor's mouth; its warm and wet and fantastic and he thrusts his hips heartily. He doesn’t try to control himself, just loses his head in the moment. He wakes up as he comes, spilling his seed over himself and the sheets with another loud moan. A loud, deep voice jolts him out of any bliss he might have experienced had he been allowed to come around like any other young boy going through puberty._

“ _What have you done!?”_

_His head whips round to meet the small, angry eyes of the man standing in the corner of his bedroom. “Wha-”_

“ _I asked you what have you done?! This is disgusting! Get up, now.”_

_He is grabbed roughly when he doesn’t move and dragged bodily down the hall to the bathroom, he’s thrown into the bath and the shower is turned on overhead. He sits under the spray in shock as the man leaves only to return with his bed sheets and throws them in on top of him._

“ _Clean this mess up. And spend the rest of the night in here to think about how perverted you are.” The key turns in the bathroom door and Ravus starts to cry into his soaking bed sheets._

 

* * *

 

Ravus’ eyes fly open and he is covered in an icy sweat, he’s shivering as if he’s still under the cold shower in his dream. It felt so real. He turns over in the bed and meets Ignis calming gaze, the other man places his hand slowly and deliberately on his arm.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” He whispers, stroking small circles on Ravus arm, “you’re shaking.”

“No, go back to sleep Ignis. Just a bad dream is all.” He croaks out, looking at the clock behind Ignis. It’s just gone six am. “I’m going to get up and go for a run, clear my head. I’ll get breakfast on the way back.”

“Okay. Take your phone?” Ignis mumbles as he rolls into the space in the bed that Ravus vacates.

“Of course.” Ravus leaves and goes into the main bathroom rather than disturb Ignis further, he showers quickly and puts on his running gear.

There’s very few people in the park at this hour, a few dog walkers and a couple of other runners. Ravus puts in his earphones and does a few warm up stretches before setting off at a steady pace, head down he lets his thoughts wander as he runs.

 

* * *

 

“ _Wake up Ravus.”_

_He blinks blearily at the figure in the dark, “huh?” He scoots backwards against the wall when he realises who it is standing over him._

“ _Shh, Ravus, it’s all right. I’m here to apologise for the other night.” The man sits on the edge of his bed quietly, reaching out the stroke Ravus’ hair behind his ear, “let me show you how sorry I am.” His hand slips down Ravus’ neck and down his chest drawing a shiver from the boy as his calloused fingers find their way into the loose fitting pyjama trousers, he grips the boy firmly and begins to masturbate the thirteen year old._

_Ravus is a panting wreck within minutes, this is the first time he’s felt another persons hand on him and it feels amazing. At the same time he knows it’s very wrong and he wishes that he was strong enough to stop it but it feels so good and before he knows what’s happening he cries out, coming hard as a firm hand is slapped over his mouth._

“ _Shh! You’ll wake the whole house! Good boy though, see how sorry I am?”_

_He nods, eyelids drooping, and is guided to lay back as the covers are pulled over him._

“ _Good night Ravus. Same time tomorrow.”_

 

* * *

 

Ravus slams to a stop and vomits onto the path in front of him, he can’t get the image out of his head, he vomits until there’s nothing more to come up. He wipes a shaking hand over his eyes and finds moisture there; to his absolute horror he realises that the flashback has left him half hard. He shakes his head firmly to dispel the memory, he knows that’s what it must be for his body to have this physical a reaction. His music is pounding in his ears and he knows that he’ll never be able to listen to this particular song ever again, he rips out the ear buds and looks around him for anyone else in the park.

Pulling out his phone is quickly dials his mother’s house, it’s Luna that answers and he bites back a sob.

“Lunafreya…”

“Ravus? Are you okay? Is it Ignis?” She’s concerned because he’s actually bothered to call his mother at home and also because he so rarely uses her full name.

“Ignis is fine. I need to speak to mother. Please.” His breathing is ragged and patience is thin.

“Ravus-”

“I need to speak to mother Lunafreya!” He snaps.

“Okay, I’ll go get her.” His sister sounds hurt, he hears her walk away and suddenly wonders what in hell he’s doing. He hangs up the phone and turns it off so that they won’t be able to call him back, he starts to run again; working hard to suppress the memory and bury it from whence it came.

It’s not a calm or measured pace this time, his feet pound the track and he runs past the point where it hurts to breathe, he doesn’t notice he’s going home until he’s practically at the front door. He gets up to the apartment and only then realises that he said he would bring breakfast back for Ignis, he turns to go back when the front door opens and Ignis almost walks into him carrying a trash bag.

 

* * *

 

“Ravus!” Ignis says in surprise, “I thought you’d be back later than this. Good run?”

Ravus barges past him and runs into the bathroom to vomit loudly, Ignis abandons the trash bag in the chute and hurries back into the apartment. He taps his knuckles on the bathroom door and asks Ravus if he’s okay, he receives a moan in response and goes to get his friend some water. He comes back as Ravus emerges and hands him the water receiving a mumbled thank you.

“Have you caught something Ravus?” He asks, sitting down next to Ravus on the sofa. The other man has a sheen of sweat across his forehead and is shaking slightly, he takes some deep breaths and turns to look at Ignis. There is something else but Ignis cannot place it, he raises his hand slowly and touches Ravus’ forehead.

“Get off me!” Ravus snaps, “I’m a doctor, I know what’s damn well wrong with me!”

Ignis raises his hands in surrender, “I’m sorry, can I get you anything?”

“No. I just want to sit here.” Ravus’ voice is toneless and cold so Ignis shrugs and returns to his cleaning.

It's about an hour later that he returns to the lounge to find Ravus asleep on the sofa, he puts a blanket over him and stands watching him for a moment.

 

* * *

 

“ _So what is it that you and Ravus have exactly?” Regis asks him from the couch where he is settled with a glass of wine, Ignis glances up at him from chopping vegetables and smiles._

“ _Ravus is my best friend.” He replies quietly, going back to his cooking._

“ _He’s in love with you.” It is not a question._

_Ignis doesn’t still from his preparations even as strong hands take hold of his shoulders and he is turned away from the stove._

“ _He is **in love** with you.” Regis says again, grey eyes staring up into green, Ignis can’t quite place his tone and just looks at the other man wearily; he can smell the bitter red wine on his breath._

“ _Well, I’m in love with you...” He trails off as Regis turns away morosely, “I can’t help how Ravus may or may not feel about me Regis.”_

“ _He is a better match for you.” The older man sighs._

_Immediately irritated with his lover Ignis gently removes Regis’ hands from his person. “I’m with **you**. Regis, I love you. Can I not decide for myself whom is the best match for me?”_

_Regis shrugs and moves to pour himself another glass of wine, Ignis closes his eyes and tries to take a deep breath._

“ _I thought we agreed that you’d only have one glass?” He asks quietly._

“ _Can I not decide for myself how much wine I drink?” Regis snaps back, taking a drink to prove a point._

“ _Of course.” Ignis removes his apron and hangs it up in its proper place. “Just not around me. Those vegetables just need boiling for three minutes, the duck needs resting for five. Enjoy.”_

_Regis doesn’t say anything more to him as he leaves and Ignis is grateful as he doesn’t know if he can control the tremble in his voice or the lump in his throat. He drives back to his apartment resolutely holding back tears, he doesn’t know how long they can go on like this. It’s been eighteen months since they got together and Regis is still hung up on Ravus. Ignis has never eluded to feeling anything other than friendship towards his housemate but for some reason the older man keeps coming back to their relationship, not accusing Ignis of doing anything with Ravus but constantly trying to push him into admitting something that Ignis simply doesn’t want or feel._

_In the months after his suicide attempt he did think something might happen between the two of them, they got closer and closer until Ravus explained about his intense phobia of sexual touching. They still spent a lot of time together and Ignis let his feelings die down back into friendship, possibly spurred on by his affair with his professor he started to crave the affections of older men and developed feelings for Regis. He knew he’d been obsessive once he decided he wanted Regis, the fact that he was his best friends father had faded in the force of his longing, the burning need for that love and approval he’d never had from a male role model._

_He arrives home to find Ravus asleep on the couch, his laptop is open on the table and he is still wearing his glasses. He takes the glasses off gently and covers Ravus with a blanket, the other man sighs and snuggles down into the blanket. It makes Ignis smile and he sits in a chair across from the couch and just watches the other man nap._

 

* * *

 

Ignis leaves a note taped to the fridge, their standard practice, explaining that he’s gone out for breakfast things. He is going to, but he is also going to visit Regis’ grave. He parks in the empty car park and walks up the hill to where his partner is buried, it’s still early and it’s so quiet. He kneels down and places flowers, he clears his throat.

“Hello Love,” He whispers, “I feel so ridiculous taking to you like this… But I need to...” He clears his throat again, trying to clear a lump that isn’t really there. “Regis I… I want to pursue something with Ravus. I don’t know what, I don’t know if it’ll turn into anything but he needs me… I think I just need you to know that it’s only now. Never when we were together. I miss you so much.” He wipes away an errant tear, “But I think, sorry I _know_ , that you would want me to be happy.” He stands, kisses his fingers and presses them against the cold headstone. A warm breeze cards his hair and he smiles up at the sky, acknowledging Regis’ blessing.

He returns to their apartment feeling fairly light - he has muffins for breakfast - Ravus is still asleep on the couch so he creeps into the kitchen and sets about preparing the food. He marvels at how good it feels to be back in his kitchen, he puts on fresh coffee and squeezes some oranges for juice. He jumps out of his skin when he hears a blood curdling scream.

 

* * *

 

 " _It’s time for something different today Ravus.”_

_Ravus blinks up at the man, it’s two in the afternoon and though his mother and sister are out shopping he really didn’t think that his activities with his step-father would spill into the day time hours._

_“I want to show you how much you mean to me.”_

_Ravus doesn’t know if it’s meant to hurt this much or if he’s just doing it wrong but the pain is blinding, his vision starts to darken at the edges but the firm hand on his cock keeps him conscious. Afterwards he lies still and tears roll down the side of his face and into his hair, when his step-father gets his breath back he helps Ravus into the shower and scrubs him clean._

_“I love you Ravus,” he tells the boy, “And doing what we just did shows that you love me. We have to keep this a secret, your mother would be so angry at us if she knew.”_

_Ravus just nods and stares at the blood disappearing down the drain._

 

* * *

 

 Ravus sits bolt upright on the sofa and just screams, he retches but there's nothing to come up. Ignis runs from the kitchen to his side and falls to his knees beside him, "Ravus what-"

 

* * *

 

  _“You don’t get to say no Ravus, that’s not what people in love do.”_

 

* * *

 

 Ravus clamps his hands over is ears to block out the words, he rocks back and forth not wanting any more.

 

* * *

 

  _“I’ll tell your mother Ravus, it will break her heart and she’ll kick you out.”_

 

* * *

 

 "No! IGNIS MAKE IT STOP! IGNIS!"

 

* * *

 

  _“If you tell **anyone** I’ll have to show Luna how much I love her.”_

 

* * *

 

"No... LUNA!" He can't stop screaming, he can't withstand the assault of his memories and he doesn't know what to do. He keeps his eyes shut firmly - he wants to be held but he doesn't want to touched. 

"-vus. Ravus! Open your eyes look at me, Ravus!" He feels a stinging sensation as Ignis slaps him, it brings him back to himself and opens his eyes. "Well done Ravus, keep looking at me. Breathe."

He tries to slow his breathing and keep looking at Ignis, the other man is pale and looks terrified. "Is it stopping?" Ravus nods, the words are still echoing around his head but he ignores them.

"I'm... I'm alright." He says eventually, taking more deep breaths. "Just a nightmare."

Ignis starts to speak but Ravus shrugs off his concern. He gets up without another word and walks stiffly through to the bathroom in his bedroom, he shuts and locks both doors between himself and Ignis. He doesn't know how long he spends staring at himself in the mirror, but eventually everything goes black.

 

* * *

 

 

_One morning Ravus goes to school exhausted. During science class he drifts off into a world of his own and does not notice the two kids messing about with some stolen solution until he is screaming in pain and writhing on the floor. He wakes up two months later and his step dad is gone, as are his memories of the man._

 

 


	15. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How's Noctis been anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this has taken so long and is so short. We'll get back to our boys soon :)

**Chapter Fifteen**

Regis' House

 

Prompto and Gladio hammer against the door to Regis’ house once again, knowing full well that Noctis cannot ignore them forever. After an eternity the door does indeed crack open, and Noctis peers out squinting in the sunlight. He tries to shut them out but Gladio shoulders past him and Prompto follows quickly.

 

“You look like shit.” Gladio says, forcing Noctis bodily into the living room and into a chair. Prompto sits on the corner, refusing to look at his best friend, they’ve not seen each other since that night and Prompto called on Gladio the second he got back from vacation. The large man is pissed. Jet lagged, sore from having his large frame crammed into a plane seat and horrified at what Noctis has done. And Noctis does look like shit. He has a beard, his cheeks are sunken and his eyes are dull.

 

“Prompto has told me what happened. How you beat the crap outta Iggy. How you’ve been in hiding since… I’m gonna hear your side Noct. And if I don’t like what I hear then I’m walkin’ outta here so that I don’t beat you three times as bad. Understand?” He growls out quietly, knowing full well that the other two can hear him just fine.

 

Noctis doesn’t say anything for so long that Prompto thinks that he isn’t going to speak at all until he croaks out, “I found out that Iggy was… That he and my Dad were… Together.” He looks down at his shaking hands and then up at Gladio, desperation in his eyes. “I… I just lost it. I don’t remember going to his apartment. I don’t know what came over me.” He starts to cry and Prompto almost feels for him, but then he remembers Ignis on that bench and he hardens.

 

“I get that that is shocking,” Gladio says evenly, “about him and your dad. I get that you’re still grievin. But Ignis is your _brother.”_

 

“And he was _fucking_ my dad!” Noctis cries out, jumping to his feet and looking for all the world like a wild animal. “I read the letters! They… They seemed so happy and neither of them told me!”

 

Gladio and Prompto just stare at their friend, realising that in the time that he has been in hiding Noctis has been processing some things. The dark haired man starts to sob and barely breathes past his next words, “I could’ve been so happy for them. Now it just hurts that I wasn’t worth telling. They were together for _years_ Gladio!”

 

“But what you did to Ignis, Noct!” Gladio cries out, also standing and grabbing his friend roughly by the shoulders, he shakes the younger man, “do you understand what you did to Ignis?”

 

“After you did… What you did...” Prompto pipes up, “Ignis went out drinking, he met with someone who hurt him even more. Drugged him and did who knows what to him. I-I found him. He was in hospital for days, they wouldn’t let Ravus take care of him ‘cos he was so bad. Luna has kept me updated – she says that Ravus was in a really bad way too. There’s no excuse for what you did Noct, not a single one.”

 

Noctis doesn’t say anything else, he just slumps against Gladio and wails into his broad chest, seemingly beyond words. Gladio holds onto him, looking over his head at Prompto and meeting the blonds eyes. “I have to see him.” Noctis sniffs out after what seems like forever, “I have to make this right.”

 

“Not yet.” Prompto says, uncharacteristically sharply, “we are going to talk this out first. Then you are going to call him, then you can only see him when he is ready.”

 

Noct looks shocked at how Prompto is speaking to him, Gladio looks impressed and they both sit down ready to talk.

 

And talk they do, the hours pass and they do not stop talking. From the dates on the letters Noctis has managed to work out that Regis and Ignis had been together since just before Ignis’ 25th birthday. In many of the letters Ignis has expressed how Regis has saved his life, how he looks forward to going out, and more often than not; how much he wants to tell Noctis about them. It has been hard just having one side of the conversation but reading them has softened Noctis – he still can’t get his head around it but he misses Ignis desperately. He’s practically shut down emotionally since he did what he did, he needs Prompto and Gladio to help him; to try to understand his reaction even if he can’t fully understand it himself.

 

It’s late into the night when they stop talking and although Noctis doesn’t feel better per se, the does now have a clear plan of action in the morning. As nervous and sick as it makes him feel he knows that he has to reach out to Ignis, he has to try and make it right.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The phone rings for so long that Noctis doesn’t think that Ignis is going to answer him, he is sweating and trying to think of what to say in a voicemail when Ignis picks up.

 

“N-Noct?” Ignis sounds frightened and Noct feels his heart splinter. “Noct, is everything all right?”

 

“Oh Ignis,” he sighs, choking back tears, “how can you ask that after what I did to you? I’m so so sorry Ignis!” He starts crying in earnest, “I’m sorry.” He repeats over and over before he registers that Ignis is speaking to him.

 

“Noctis. Noctis? Can you hear me?” He takes a deep breath and nods before he realises how stupid that is.

 

“Y-yeah.”

 

“I’m all right Noct,” Ignis says quietly. “I don’t know if I can see you yet. But I miss you.”

 

“I-I miss you too.” Noctis feels cold all over, he didn’t expect for things to ever be the same between them but had dared himself to hope.

 

“I can forgive you Noct. I love you, but I cannot forget and right now it’s too raw. You understand don’t you?” Ignis sounds upset and Noctis is quick to reassure him that he can take as much time as he needs.

 

“Are the others there?” Ignis asks.

 

“Yeah, they’re here.”

 

“Then let them take care of you, I have Ravus here.”

 

“Okay… Can we speak soon?”

 

“Sure. Goodbye for now, Noct.” Ignis hangs up quickly and Noctis can’t blame him, he puts his head in his hands, taking deep breaths and shaking.


End file.
